(This is a continuation of the What is Love? series of posts)
The smell of a rose, the tickle of breath on your neck, the soft kiss on your lips, the caress of fingers on you’re your fingertips, running hands through your hair, the taste of salt on another’s skin, the smell of summer in an embrace, the soft feel of lips pressed against eachother. Yes, LOVE is IN the Details. The little things: cards, letters, glances, gifts, sighs, hugs, touches, and aches when you are apart. LOVE is NOT just about sex, although it is a beautiful expression of it. LOVE is Fusion, becoming ONE with the OTHER, something greater than each of you can ever possibly be alone. Love is the soft breeze at night, the chill of the first frost of winter, the song of a nightingale, the breathless whisper in the night, a head on your lap, a gentle hand rubbing your back. Love is the shield and the sword of valor, the constant star of kindness, the tender mercy of thoughtfulness. Great LOVE is in very SMALL things and actions. These little things make Love the Magical thing that it is! When these no longer have an effect on you with your significant other or are not done at all, then Love is gone and you should move on.
Yes, actually these little signs are very much like the canary in a coal mine. When they cease to exist then the oxygen is gone from the relationship and something vitally important is missing. It is not the death knell, but it is a good sign that your relationship is no longer flourishing and something is amiss. Now is the time to either get it rekindled and breathe some air into it or go your separate ways. It is funny, just like when Lao Tzu said, “Great acts are made up of small deeds.” So to is it with love. Just being in the same room moves you, just getting to speak to your significant other, or watch a movie or discuss music or talk about the summer rains, or times when you were kids. Funny, Love is in the details.
All my heart goes out to you in your quest of finding these little detials in your life! --Joan
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Love is Power and Energy
(This is a continuation of the "What is Love?" series of posts)
This brings me to the next topic about LOVE. Really love is about Power and Energy. This energy is all aro und us, untapped and unseen. See my Love and Dark Matter post for more detailed explanation. When you master Love you are able to tap into this power and begin to realize that the world is not such a difficult place after all. Things you though were not possible, become possible. You gain insight, wisdom, creativity, humor, and kindness that were reserved for the sages. When you are with another person who masters Love, the energy is on a quantum level. Your vibrations resonate so strongly together that no power on heaven or earth could ever separate you. This is where the expression “Love is Eternal” comes from. True, undying, unyielding, blinding Love has a power and energy unmatched in the universe. When you are able to control it, you feel almost god-like. Hugo says, “The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
The energy that comes from truly and honestly being in love with another person is absolutely astounding. You find you can tap untold stores of energy, enthusiasm, and endurance. You are more playful, upbeat, kinetic, and restless. Your batteries rarely discharge, and you seem to always be able to go the extra mile and no distance or effort seems too great. You wonder where this came from, and you cannot understand how you can now sleep more soundly, and wake up with more vigor! The energy of Love emanates from your soul and feeds other people around you. You actually will become a magnet to people around you because of this abundance of energy that permeates your very being. Real Love creates energy, other imitation loves drain you. As Tagore says, “Love is the highest bliss that man can attain to, for through it alone he truly knows that he is more than himself, and that he is at one with the All.”
Here is to feeling the power and energy that true love brings. -- Joan
This brings me to the next topic about LOVE. Really love is about Power and Energy. This energy is all aro und us, untapped and unseen. See my Love and Dark Matter post for more detailed explanation. When you master Love you are able to tap into this power and begin to realize that the world is not such a difficult place after all. Things you though were not possible, become possible. You gain insight, wisdom, creativity, humor, and kindness that were reserved for the sages. When you are with another person who masters Love, the energy is on a quantum level. Your vibrations resonate so strongly together that no power on heaven or earth could ever separate you. This is where the expression “Love is Eternal” comes from. True, undying, unyielding, blinding Love has a power and energy unmatched in the universe. When you are able to control it, you feel almost god-like. Hugo says, “The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
The energy that comes from truly and honestly being in love with another person is absolutely astounding. You find you can tap untold stores of energy, enthusiasm, and endurance. You are more playful, upbeat, kinetic, and restless. Your batteries rarely discharge, and you seem to always be able to go the extra mile and no distance or effort seems too great. You wonder where this came from, and you cannot understand how you can now sleep more soundly, and wake up with more vigor! The energy of Love emanates from your soul and feeds other people around you. You actually will become a magnet to people around you because of this abundance of energy that permeates your very being. Real Love creates energy, other imitation loves drain you. As Tagore says, “Love is the highest bliss that man can attain to, for through it alone he truly knows that he is more than himself, and that he is at one with the All.”
Here is to feeling the power and energy that true love brings. -- Joan
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Love Is NOT Compromise
(This in the continuation of the "What is Love?" post series)
True Love does not have to Compromise. When you find your “other” half, you will not have to compromise your view, values, ethics, or ways. Actually, you are asked to be more eccentric, daring, and carefree. Your fears disappear. When you are with another TRUE LOVE, who has mastered this art form, the true being of yourselves feed off each other like a fusion reactor, growing in magnitude and power each day. You fuse, burn and are reborn as a greater self. The ego does not die, but becomes a super-ego of we and us. Instead of being asked to be LESS of yourself, you are FORCED to be MORE of YOUR TRUE self. You discover hidden abilities, and powers. You become more childlike, in innocence and thinking. You become clearer in your purpose in life, and truer to the perfect image of yourself. You discover the unborn divinity within you.
Unfortunately, many people believe that True Love involves compromising who you really are. Yes, there are times and places for compromise, but being in love with the other half of you that resonates at the same frequency and harmonic is NOT ONE OF THEM (see my dark matter post for a explanation). As soon as you are asked to be LESS of yourself, you diminish not only yourself but the relationship as well. Yes, yes, yes, you are saying that every relationship requires compromise: nonsense. When you are with your other half, your “soul mate” so to speak, there is no need to compromise. You bend and weave together like a beautiful tapestry, adding color and substance to each others’ lives. Yes, this is why TRUE LOVE and finding a SOUL MATE is so rare. It is usually because we start off all our relationships with compromises and in the end, settle for something less that what we want or deserve. If you want TRUE LOVE, do not compromise yourself for anything less than what you deserve!
Now, some people will settle for something less, something more ordinary and mundane in a love relationship. As a Master of Love, I have found whenever I have to compromise or back off from my true self, the relationship usually ends shortly thereafter. Others are able to “eat crow” in order to stay in a diminished capacity relationship, and bravo for them. What I am saying, is when you “discover” your True Love, something truly magical will happen and compromise is not part of the equation.
Yes, even those who have found their True Love will have disagreements. That is part of the growing process. But these disagreements are actually opportunities to grow closer not further apart. When you are “paired” with your harmonic match, each person’s new perspective is added to the others. These “differences” are accepted for the grace and beauty they bring to the relationship as opposed to a possible gulf of ideas that could estrange each party.In contrast , when you are forced to compromise yourself or your ideals with a “difference” in a love relation, they usually turn into arguments. Then instead of focusing on the relationship, you are now developing strategies on how to “manage” your partner, or their anger, or your anger, or your feelings. This is a WASTE of TIME and if you can settle for this situation, then I pity you, for you will NEVER get to the love you deserve.
What ever you do or become, be true to yourself! Joan
True Love does not have to Compromise. When you find your “other” half, you will not have to compromise your view, values, ethics, or ways. Actually, you are asked to be more eccentric, daring, and carefree. Your fears disappear. When you are with another TRUE LOVE, who has mastered this art form, the true being of yourselves feed off each other like a fusion reactor, growing in magnitude and power each day. You fuse, burn and are reborn as a greater self. The ego does not die, but becomes a super-ego of we and us. Instead of being asked to be LESS of yourself, you are FORCED to be MORE of YOUR TRUE self. You discover hidden abilities, and powers. You become more childlike, in innocence and thinking. You become clearer in your purpose in life, and truer to the perfect image of yourself. You discover the unborn divinity within you.
Unfortunately, many people believe that True Love involves compromising who you really are. Yes, there are times and places for compromise, but being in love with the other half of you that resonates at the same frequency and harmonic is NOT ONE OF THEM (see my dark matter post for a explanation). As soon as you are asked to be LESS of yourself, you diminish not only yourself but the relationship as well. Yes, yes, yes, you are saying that every relationship requires compromise: nonsense. When you are with your other half, your “soul mate” so to speak, there is no need to compromise. You bend and weave together like a beautiful tapestry, adding color and substance to each others’ lives. Yes, this is why TRUE LOVE and finding a SOUL MATE is so rare. It is usually because we start off all our relationships with compromises and in the end, settle for something less that what we want or deserve. If you want TRUE LOVE, do not compromise yourself for anything less than what you deserve!
Now, some people will settle for something less, something more ordinary and mundane in a love relationship. As a Master of Love, I have found whenever I have to compromise or back off from my true self, the relationship usually ends shortly thereafter. Others are able to “eat crow” in order to stay in a diminished capacity relationship, and bravo for them. What I am saying, is when you “discover” your True Love, something truly magical will happen and compromise is not part of the equation.
Yes, even those who have found their True Love will have disagreements. That is part of the growing process. But these disagreements are actually opportunities to grow closer not further apart. When you are “paired” with your harmonic match, each person’s new perspective is added to the others. These “differences” are accepted for the grace and beauty they bring to the relationship as opposed to a possible gulf of ideas that could estrange each party.In contrast , when you are forced to compromise yourself or your ideals with a “difference” in a love relation, they usually turn into arguments. Then instead of focusing on the relationship, you are now developing strategies on how to “manage” your partner, or their anger, or your anger, or your feelings. This is a WASTE of TIME and if you can settle for this situation, then I pity you, for you will NEVER get to the love you deserve.
What ever you do or become, be true to yourself! Joan
Monday, August 10, 2009
Love Demands Action and is Expansive
(This in the continuation of the "What is Love?" post series)
Love cannot sit still, but must continuously grow. Like two vines intertwined, Love needs to constantly be reaching new heights and take risks. Yes, I said take risks. Contentment is absolutely the most destructive thing for Love’s growth. It makes us lazy, and starts to impose expectations upon us that the other person will tend to our needs and desires. Love takes constant cooperation and agitation in order to grow and flourish.
The worst thing that you can do to Love is to be content and get into a routine. It is a fallacy to EXPECT love to be there because it was there yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Yes, love is enduring, but it demands action to keep it growing. A Love that does not grow, will shortly whither away into a memory. Love forces us into unknown and uncharted places and forever keeps us asking what can I do to make this thing better? How can I love differently, or more uniquely, or more deeply, or more fully? The love you had yesterday is still good for today, but today’s love is demanding something more. And when you become a master of Love, you are ready to give it. You are excited to see what new thing Love has brought you, how what you thought was impossible is now possible, how a place you thought you could never get to you are now standing it. Love takes you to places unimagined! Love is a time machine, both forwards and backwards. It makes you a child and at the same time wise; a fool and a scholar. Love brings together things that should not be together. When two people who are masters of Love are IN LOVE, the world DISAPPEARS! Yes, they ARE the only two people in the whole world and everyone else is envious of them.
May the world be envious of you,
Joan
Love cannot sit still, but must continuously grow. Like two vines intertwined, Love needs to constantly be reaching new heights and take risks. Yes, I said take risks. Contentment is absolutely the most destructive thing for Love’s growth. It makes us lazy, and starts to impose expectations upon us that the other person will tend to our needs and desires. Love takes constant cooperation and agitation in order to grow and flourish.
The worst thing that you can do to Love is to be content and get into a routine. It is a fallacy to EXPECT love to be there because it was there yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Yes, love is enduring, but it demands action to keep it growing. A Love that does not grow, will shortly whither away into a memory. Love forces us into unknown and uncharted places and forever keeps us asking what can I do to make this thing better? How can I love differently, or more uniquely, or more deeply, or more fully? The love you had yesterday is still good for today, but today’s love is demanding something more. And when you become a master of Love, you are ready to give it. You are excited to see what new thing Love has brought you, how what you thought was impossible is now possible, how a place you thought you could never get to you are now standing it. Love takes you to places unimagined! Love is a time machine, both forwards and backwards. It makes you a child and at the same time wise; a fool and a scholar. Love brings together things that should not be together. When two people who are masters of Love are IN LOVE, the world DISAPPEARS! Yes, they ARE the only two people in the whole world and everyone else is envious of them.
May the world be envious of you,
Joan
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Love Demands Parity
(This in the continuation of the "What is Love?" post series)
A friend of mine, who happens to be a Master Jedi of Love, was talking to me about love and what to expect in a relationship. As I was explaining to her the aspects of true love, I illustrated an analogy about parity using a Cheetah as an example. I chose Cheetahs to represent people who have mastered the Art of Love. Cheetahs are the fastest, most agile mammals on earth. They hunt with reckless abandon, so much so that each time they reach top speed in pursuit of their quarry they are virtually on the cusp of death (hum, sort of like how real LOVE is supposed to be). Anyway, I was explaining to her about when one person in a relationship is a Cheetah, and the other is not. Her question was, "Can a Cheetah be in a happy relationship with a non-Cheetah?", and unfortunately the answer was no. In her heart, she already knew the answer, as in her present relationship she was already starting to find out he was not a real Cheetah and compiling a list of of items in which they were not in parity.
Why can a Cheetah not be with a non-Cheetah and be happy? Because one of two things will happen: The non-Cheetah will try to cage and bring down the Cheetah, instead of letting it run wild, run free, and always return home with the kill. Non-Cheetahs will be jealous of the Cheetah’s skill, power, energy, and ability to always bounce back and to run free. Anyway, you have to ask yourself, is a Cheetah in a cage really a Cheetah? Doesn’t a Cheetah HAVE to be free to be a Cheetah? Of course it does!
On the other hand, the Cheetah will not be able to slow down enough to let the non-Cheetah keep up. Asking to keep up with frustrate the Cheetah to no end. The non-Cheetah or the Cheetah or both will get irritated with the other person, and there will be a huge discord and no matter how likeable, or affable the non-cheetah is, they STILLWILL NOT BE A CHEETAH! So, if you are a Cheetah in that you have mastered love, know what you really WANT in a love relationship, and have the power to truly Love another person, you will ONLY be happy when you are with another Cheetah. And ONLY another Cheetah will be happy with you! Having the power of Love DEMANDS parity. In this case, the ability of two people to love each other to the same mastery. This is just like I explained in my Dark Matter blog about vibrations and rightness of fit. If you hide your power, or try to force a relationship it just will not work. Many people get into a relationship or stay together out of fear of being alone or just due to inertia, but eventually; you will not want to be with that person, so start looking for your equal Cheetah now!
So can two non-Cheetahs be happy together? Yes and no. In any relationship, there will be one person who is going to grow or will grow faster than their partner and strive to be a Cheetah. They are looking to become a master of love, and when that happens, if the other person has not grown as well or is not becoming a Cheetah too, then, well you KNOW what is going to happen: Discord, heartache, and an eventual breakup.
May you be and find your Cheetah!
Joan
A friend of mine, who happens to be a Master Jedi of Love, was talking to me about love and what to expect in a relationship. As I was explaining to her the aspects of true love, I illustrated an analogy about parity using a Cheetah as an example. I chose Cheetahs to represent people who have mastered the Art of Love. Cheetahs are the fastest, most agile mammals on earth. They hunt with reckless abandon, so much so that each time they reach top speed in pursuit of their quarry they are virtually on the cusp of death (hum, sort of like how real LOVE is supposed to be). Anyway, I was explaining to her about when one person in a relationship is a Cheetah, and the other is not. Her question was, "Can a Cheetah be in a happy relationship with a non-Cheetah?", and unfortunately the answer was no. In her heart, she already knew the answer, as in her present relationship she was already starting to find out he was not a real Cheetah and compiling a list of of items in which they were not in parity.
Why can a Cheetah not be with a non-Cheetah and be happy? Because one of two things will happen: The non-Cheetah will try to cage and bring down the Cheetah, instead of letting it run wild, run free, and always return home with the kill. Non-Cheetahs will be jealous of the Cheetah’s skill, power, energy, and ability to always bounce back and to run free. Anyway, you have to ask yourself, is a Cheetah in a cage really a Cheetah? Doesn’t a Cheetah HAVE to be free to be a Cheetah? Of course it does!
On the other hand, the Cheetah will not be able to slow down enough to let the non-Cheetah keep up. Asking to keep up with frustrate the Cheetah to no end. The non-Cheetah or the Cheetah or both will get irritated with the other person, and there will be a huge discord and no matter how likeable, or affable the non-cheetah is, they STILLWILL NOT BE A CHEETAH! So, if you are a Cheetah in that you have mastered love, know what you really WANT in a love relationship, and have the power to truly Love another person, you will ONLY be happy when you are with another Cheetah. And ONLY another Cheetah will be happy with you! Having the power of Love DEMANDS parity. In this case, the ability of two people to love each other to the same mastery. This is just like I explained in my Dark Matter blog about vibrations and rightness of fit. If you hide your power, or try to force a relationship it just will not work. Many people get into a relationship or stay together out of fear of being alone or just due to inertia, but eventually; you will not want to be with that person, so start looking for your equal Cheetah now!
So can two non-Cheetahs be happy together? Yes and no. In any relationship, there will be one person who is going to grow or will grow faster than their partner and strive to be a Cheetah. They are looking to become a master of love, and when that happens, if the other person has not grown as well or is not becoming a Cheetah too, then, well you KNOW what is going to happen: Discord, heartache, and an eventual breakup.
May you be and find your Cheetah!
Joan
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Love takes Practice
(this is in continuation of my What is Love? series)
Every expert, or master, or professional started out as an amateur. Yes, even me; I was a bumbling, stumbling idiot in my first few relationships. Let me reassure you: Everyone can become a master of Love and Get the Love they deserve if they just start practicing today. If it is important to you, you have to start practicing and going through the process of success and failure.
As a good friend of mine is fond of saying, “In victory I learn little, but in defeat everything.” So too is it with Love. I learned (and so should you) from the many, many, many mistakes I made in relationships, and I have the advantage of being able to tap into the metaphysical, and get guidance from the astrological plane, but still I had to learn some things the hard way. In addition, my 15 plus years of counseling individuals through the pain and anguish of breakup, heartache and often reconciliation in love relationships has helped refined my skills and knowledge to a point of where I KNOW what a person in love will do even BEFORE they do it. Of course, personally I had a choice on what to do concerning the pain and anguish I went through in my failures. I could have committed myself to become a master of Love (where I could then help others), or I could have become fearful, jaded, bitter, scared, and cloistered my heart against any pain of feelings I might have experienced now and in the future. I choose to be a master of Love.
To become this master, I had to take a good look at myself and then ask what do I really Want (as opposed to just what I needed) in life and love (see my blog about Need v. Want). Once I did that, I was determined to develop the skills and knowledge to get what I wanted, not just what I needed. I had to practice every day, and little by little I started to understand and develop a skill set that allowed me to recognize love and be able to love fully and completely another person. It was sometimes hard, but the best part is when you really love someone, and they truly and completely love you back, it is like being in rapture. It is just totally the most out of this world feeling you will ever experience. As you both take that climb into a higher plane of existence, the feeling of joy grows, strengthens and catapults you to a totally new state of being. To most people, this is an alien and foreign world, but one I hope I can guide many people towards.
OK, just telling you to practice is not quite enough; I need to give you some how-tos as well. First, after your have sat down and figured what you want to give and get in a loving relationship (To help with this, please reference my Need v. Want blog), make a list of affirmations and recite that list every day until you can commit it to memory. This will start pointing your whole psyche towards the positive aspects of love and yourself. Next, go to the library or book store and start reading on topics dealing with successful love techniques. Yes, READ! Now (this is mostly for the girls out there). DO NOT JUMP INTO BED with anybody on the 1st, 2nd, or 5th date, and TALK about it to him first about how important it is to get to know each other first. If he is ONLY interested in sex he will run away (and good riddance), but if he is interested in YOU he will stick around. I do not care how cute, rich, handsome, etc he is, if you want to win at love, you need to play by the rule of keep away. Guys HAVE to invest in the relationship (remember your affirmations) in order to see value in YOU and the RELATIONSHIP. Men do not equate sex with love, thought they will say they do, the do not! Anything gained easily is easily lost. Work on friendship first, and fan the fires of passion along the way.
Tip number one for when you get into a relationship: Focus on the positive in him, you, and the relationship. EVERYONE has warts, and if you keep looking at them, that is all you are going to see. Most relationships fail because one person constantly brings up one item that irritates the hell out of the other person, and usually that one thing is NOT very important in the scheme of things. Women, Whine is a thing best served with cheese and is not the best form of communication and is something that will not win his heart or affection. I have known several extremely beautiful, accomplished women who could not stop whining, and hence could never fathom why they could never maintain a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Guys, learn to ask questions about the lady you are with OTHER than her physical attributes. Find something, anything that you two might share an interest in. Tip guys; woman really want to be appreciate for something other than their body, an it usually rest between their ears (it is neither their earrings, hair or their eyes).
Just as when I was practicing martial arts, the more I stayed at it the better I got. The more confidence and skill I was able to retain. Love is an Art form, very much like self-defense. It can both protect you and make you strong. It gives you balance and strength. It both soothes, and stresses. It is a cosmic force and an inner peace. Training for Love will eventually yield huge dividends. Love takes practice and therefore demands action. Usually the best way to put it is when you were young and started playing sports, you had practice, and coaches, and scrimmages, and more practice, coaching, games, successes and failures and once you got better at it, it became eventually easier to do. And when you started playing, you dreamed of becoming a pro, and winning that national championship (Stanley Cup, World Series, Masters, etc.). You set a goal and started going for it. Even though you might not become a pro, you got very good at whatever sport you were in. Now ask yourself, in the most important “sport” of your life, how much practice, coaching, and training have you done to increase your chances of success then change your behavior accordingly. Remember Love is a team sport. IF the partner becomes defensive, lower your voice, take some space, and give yourself some distance. If they truly love you they will come back, if not then they are not ready to love.
Every expert, or master, or professional started out as an amateur. Yes, even me; I was a bumbling, stumbling idiot in my first few relationships. Let me reassure you: Everyone can become a master of Love and Get the Love they deserve if they just start practicing today. If it is important to you, you have to start practicing and going through the process of success and failure.
As a good friend of mine is fond of saying, “In victory I learn little, but in defeat everything.” So too is it with Love. I learned (and so should you) from the many, many, many mistakes I made in relationships, and I have the advantage of being able to tap into the metaphysical, and get guidance from the astrological plane, but still I had to learn some things the hard way. In addition, my 15 plus years of counseling individuals through the pain and anguish of breakup, heartache and often reconciliation in love relationships has helped refined my skills and knowledge to a point of where I KNOW what a person in love will do even BEFORE they do it. Of course, personally I had a choice on what to do concerning the pain and anguish I went through in my failures. I could have committed myself to become a master of Love (where I could then help others), or I could have become fearful, jaded, bitter, scared, and cloistered my heart against any pain of feelings I might have experienced now and in the future. I choose to be a master of Love.
To become this master, I had to take a good look at myself and then ask what do I really Want (as opposed to just what I needed) in life and love (see my blog about Need v. Want). Once I did that, I was determined to develop the skills and knowledge to get what I wanted, not just what I needed. I had to practice every day, and little by little I started to understand and develop a skill set that allowed me to recognize love and be able to love fully and completely another person. It was sometimes hard, but the best part is when you really love someone, and they truly and completely love you back, it is like being in rapture. It is just totally the most out of this world feeling you will ever experience. As you both take that climb into a higher plane of existence, the feeling of joy grows, strengthens and catapults you to a totally new state of being. To most people, this is an alien and foreign world, but one I hope I can guide many people towards.
OK, just telling you to practice is not quite enough; I need to give you some how-tos as well. First, after your have sat down and figured what you want to give and get in a loving relationship (To help with this, please reference my Need v. Want blog), make a list of affirmations and recite that list every day until you can commit it to memory. This will start pointing your whole psyche towards the positive aspects of love and yourself. Next, go to the library or book store and start reading on topics dealing with successful love techniques. Yes, READ! Now (this is mostly for the girls out there). DO NOT JUMP INTO BED with anybody on the 1st, 2nd, or 5th date, and TALK about it to him first about how important it is to get to know each other first. If he is ONLY interested in sex he will run away (and good riddance), but if he is interested in YOU he will stick around. I do not care how cute, rich, handsome, etc he is, if you want to win at love, you need to play by the rule of keep away. Guys HAVE to invest in the relationship (remember your affirmations) in order to see value in YOU and the RELATIONSHIP. Men do not equate sex with love, thought they will say they do, the do not! Anything gained easily is easily lost. Work on friendship first, and fan the fires of passion along the way.
Tip number one for when you get into a relationship: Focus on the positive in him, you, and the relationship. EVERYONE has warts, and if you keep looking at them, that is all you are going to see. Most relationships fail because one person constantly brings up one item that irritates the hell out of the other person, and usually that one thing is NOT very important in the scheme of things. Women, Whine is a thing best served with cheese and is not the best form of communication and is something that will not win his heart or affection. I have known several extremely beautiful, accomplished women who could not stop whining, and hence could never fathom why they could never maintain a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Guys, learn to ask questions about the lady you are with OTHER than her physical attributes. Find something, anything that you two might share an interest in. Tip guys; woman really want to be appreciate for something other than their body, an it usually rest between their ears (it is neither their earrings, hair or their eyes).
Just as when I was practicing martial arts, the more I stayed at it the better I got. The more confidence and skill I was able to retain. Love is an Art form, very much like self-defense. It can both protect you and make you strong. It gives you balance and strength. It both soothes, and stresses. It is a cosmic force and an inner peace. Training for Love will eventually yield huge dividends. Love takes practice and therefore demands action. Usually the best way to put it is when you were young and started playing sports, you had practice, and coaches, and scrimmages, and more practice, coaching, games, successes and failures and once you got better at it, it became eventually easier to do. And when you started playing, you dreamed of becoming a pro, and winning that national championship (Stanley Cup, World Series, Masters, etc.). You set a goal and started going for it. Even though you might not become a pro, you got very good at whatever sport you were in. Now ask yourself, in the most important “sport” of your life, how much practice, coaching, and training have you done to increase your chances of success then change your behavior accordingly. Remember Love is a team sport. IF the partner becomes defensive, lower your voice, take some space, and give yourself some distance. If they truly love you they will come back, if not then they are not ready to love.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Love is NOT Security
(This in the continuation of the "What is Love?" post series)
Let me repeat. Love does NOT give you security. In actuality, to love and accept love you must first be secure in yourself. I know what I just said is going to be very controversial, but in order to truly be in LOVE and to be able to give LOVE fully, completely, to be that master of Love, you first have to be secure in yourself. Essentially, you have to be able to Love yourself. Yes, I know it sounds cliché, but it really, really, really is true. I see so many relationships where one of the individuals “thinks” they are in love, or understand the intricacies of Love, but it really is just lust or want because they do not understand themselves and their needs and wants. They have not taken the time to see where they are lacking in the ability to love, and they do not possess the security to be able to love themselves.
While your significant other may appear to be secure in their life and person, they may demonstrate some latent and obvious signs of insecurity prior to you ever getting together. Some of the signs of insecurity include: Wanting to Sleep together too soon; Wanting to move in together; Looking (checking out) at other people of the opposite sex excessively; a long string of serial relationships (going from one “fix” to another); manipulating your schedule so as to spend all your spare time with them; excluding your friends; and the inability to be flexible. Real security allows you to give your partner the freedom (see Love is about Freedom, not Possession post) they need.
Of course, the opposite of insecurity is confidence. Confidence is something that does not come with looks, money, power, etc.. It is also NOT about ego, but about the quiet knowledge that you are capable of achieving any goal or getting out of any bad situation you might happen to be in. Confidence comes with the security of truly knowing yourself and in the knowledge that everyday you strive to make yourself as good a person you possible can be.
I am not saying that when two people REALLY Love each other they are not secure in their Love, they are, because they are first secure in themselves. Security in the relationship comes for the security in each individual in the bond. Lao Tzu once stated "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." The duality of security, It is the ying and yang of Love. In actuality, Strength and Courage are two essential ingredients in creating the life of love you deserve. These two ingredients are essential to any relationship involving love. To possess strength and courage is to have confidence and from that confidence you must be secure in yourself and in your abilities. So, how do you go about developing this security in your ability to Love and to Love yourself? I will explain in my subsequent posts.
Here is to getting to love yourself!
Joan
Let me repeat. Love does NOT give you security. In actuality, to love and accept love you must first be secure in yourself. I know what I just said is going to be very controversial, but in order to truly be in LOVE and to be able to give LOVE fully, completely, to be that master of Love, you first have to be secure in yourself. Essentially, you have to be able to Love yourself. Yes, I know it sounds cliché, but it really, really, really is true. I see so many relationships where one of the individuals “thinks” they are in love, or understand the intricacies of Love, but it really is just lust or want because they do not understand themselves and their needs and wants. They have not taken the time to see where they are lacking in the ability to love, and they do not possess the security to be able to love themselves.
While your significant other may appear to be secure in their life and person, they may demonstrate some latent and obvious signs of insecurity prior to you ever getting together. Some of the signs of insecurity include: Wanting to Sleep together too soon; Wanting to move in together; Looking (checking out) at other people of the opposite sex excessively; a long string of serial relationships (going from one “fix” to another); manipulating your schedule so as to spend all your spare time with them; excluding your friends; and the inability to be flexible. Real security allows you to give your partner the freedom (see Love is about Freedom, not Possession post) they need.
Of course, the opposite of insecurity is confidence. Confidence is something that does not come with looks, money, power, etc.. It is also NOT about ego, but about the quiet knowledge that you are capable of achieving any goal or getting out of any bad situation you might happen to be in. Confidence comes with the security of truly knowing yourself and in the knowledge that everyday you strive to make yourself as good a person you possible can be.
I am not saying that when two people REALLY Love each other they are not secure in their Love, they are, because they are first secure in themselves. Security in the relationship comes for the security in each individual in the bond. Lao Tzu once stated "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." The duality of security, It is the ying and yang of Love. In actuality, Strength and Courage are two essential ingredients in creating the life of love you deserve. These two ingredients are essential to any relationship involving love. To possess strength and courage is to have confidence and from that confidence you must be secure in yourself and in your abilities. So, how do you go about developing this security in your ability to Love and to Love yourself? I will explain in my subsequent posts.
Here is to getting to love yourself!
Joan
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Love is about Freedom, Not Possession
This is a tough one for most people to understand. Love is about Freedom. When you love a person, you cannot bind them to your Love. You can only bind yourself to them. Actually, when you truly LOVE another person, you are constantly challenging them to grow and strengthen. The only way they can do this is separate form yourself! Yes, away from you! But the GREAT thing about love and separation is as de la Rouchefoucauld says, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”
Remember in my earlier post I spoke about the Chemicals involved in falling in Love? (see Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?) Well, this is where those chemicals are now fighting against a higher, truer more permanent and lasting love. Oh boy, this is where all the problems I see in my practice come in and where the Masters of Love separate themselves from the Slaves to Love. Where couples who are happy and fulfilled in their relationships separate themselves from those who are not. The ability to see past this “primordial” chemical fix is what can get us to the Love we Deserve. This is going to be the single hardest thing for most people to do: Let Go! Give Freedom! The addictive properties of the drugs coursing through our bodies want to make you hold onto the initial feelings of euphoria and pleasure, but believe me they are transitory at best.
Holding on to them and subsequently the person who initially triggered them will not result in the long term joy, security, and passion you really want. They will give you Lust but not Love! And lust is ephemeral and unsustainable; it is as transitory as a summer storm. You will be going from one failed relationship to another trying to maintain or regain that “fix.” If you just want Lust then fine, but if you want to discover the joys of true soul shaking love then let go and become a master.
Real Love, Deep Love, does not need to hold on. In actuality, the MORE freedom you give the other person you love and who truly loves you, the MORE Love you get. Being away from the other person who vibrates at the same frequency as you, your other true half, is so disturbing that the whole time you are away you whole psyche sends out a beckon making them ache for their return. The further they are away from you, you somehow become less away from them. Of course, you WANT to be with them as you cannot wait to tell them of your victories, and defeats; or to hear about theirs; but you do not NEED to be near them. Freedom begets strength and courage and all the joys associated with them.
The other part of Freedom is in what you GIVE. True Love allows you to give yourself freely, completely, totally to the other, to the relationship. Every fiber in your body, your heart, your soul, your mind is given over to the relationship. You do not loose your ego, but instead create an entity that gives you power and self confidence. This is the Freedom in what you GET. There is NO fear of being hurt, or disappointed, but because the Love is in the giving. If the other person does not accept the gift, the gift is still there. It has not diminished, nor lessened in its value or beauty. If the other person cannot accept it, then you still have the gift to give and it just may to be given to another. Still, to have another Love you completely, deeply, honestly, freely, totally is Life’s Greatest Joy. You cannot make another Love you, but when you Love, remember it is always about setting the other Free. This Freedom in turn will be given back to you when you are loved back.
Anything that tries to mitigate that Freedom, to superimpose an unwilling or unnatural binding, to restrict your inner child, your growth, your needs is not Love but possession. So when your partner starts to curtail your actions, or wants you to move in too soon, or takes you away from your friends, or routines, or likes, or asks to marry you too soon, etc.; these are some of the warning signs of possession. The need to possess comes for a sense of insecurity (I will talk about this in a subsequent post). This insecurity can come from many places, but it an acid that will eat away at the relationship as surely as the sun rises. At first it may look like kindness , or want, or love, but it is NOT. It is control. It is a neediness that cannot return true Love, but instead takes. True Love Gives, it does not hold.
When true Love is involved, there is no jealousy or envy. You are actually proud that your partner is independent, accomplished, confident and desired or wanted by the opposite sex. I am not saying they want to be with other people, actually no, they ONLY want to be connected with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When you Love truly, you actually only see that other person and they only see you. That every other person in the world has become something different (not less, but just different). If this binding is not mutual or natural, then you have something less or different than Love, and you should move away from it as soon as possible. Love is about Freedom, not possession. As the saying goes, if you Love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be, if not, then let them go. It will save you time, effort and plenty of heartache.
Remember in my earlier post I spoke about the Chemicals involved in falling in Love? (see Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?) Well, this is where those chemicals are now fighting against a higher, truer more permanent and lasting love. Oh boy, this is where all the problems I see in my practice come in and where the Masters of Love separate themselves from the Slaves to Love. Where couples who are happy and fulfilled in their relationships separate themselves from those who are not. The ability to see past this “primordial” chemical fix is what can get us to the Love we Deserve. This is going to be the single hardest thing for most people to do: Let Go! Give Freedom! The addictive properties of the drugs coursing through our bodies want to make you hold onto the initial feelings of euphoria and pleasure, but believe me they are transitory at best.
Holding on to them and subsequently the person who initially triggered them will not result in the long term joy, security, and passion you really want. They will give you Lust but not Love! And lust is ephemeral and unsustainable; it is as transitory as a summer storm. You will be going from one failed relationship to another trying to maintain or regain that “fix.” If you just want Lust then fine, but if you want to discover the joys of true soul shaking love then let go and become a master.
Real Love, Deep Love, does not need to hold on. In actuality, the MORE freedom you give the other person you love and who truly loves you, the MORE Love you get. Being away from the other person who vibrates at the same frequency as you, your other true half, is so disturbing that the whole time you are away you whole psyche sends out a beckon making them ache for their return. The further they are away from you, you somehow become less away from them. Of course, you WANT to be with them as you cannot wait to tell them of your victories, and defeats; or to hear about theirs; but you do not NEED to be near them. Freedom begets strength and courage and all the joys associated with them.
The other part of Freedom is in what you GIVE. True Love allows you to give yourself freely, completely, totally to the other, to the relationship. Every fiber in your body, your heart, your soul, your mind is given over to the relationship. You do not loose your ego, but instead create an entity that gives you power and self confidence. This is the Freedom in what you GET. There is NO fear of being hurt, or disappointed, but because the Love is in the giving. If the other person does not accept the gift, the gift is still there. It has not diminished, nor lessened in its value or beauty. If the other person cannot accept it, then you still have the gift to give and it just may to be given to another. Still, to have another Love you completely, deeply, honestly, freely, totally is Life’s Greatest Joy. You cannot make another Love you, but when you Love, remember it is always about setting the other Free. This Freedom in turn will be given back to you when you are loved back.
Anything that tries to mitigate that Freedom, to superimpose an unwilling or unnatural binding, to restrict your inner child, your growth, your needs is not Love but possession. So when your partner starts to curtail your actions, or wants you to move in too soon, or takes you away from your friends, or routines, or likes, or asks to marry you too soon, etc.; these are some of the warning signs of possession. The need to possess comes for a sense of insecurity (I will talk about this in a subsequent post). This insecurity can come from many places, but it an acid that will eat away at the relationship as surely as the sun rises. At first it may look like kindness , or want, or love, but it is NOT. It is control. It is a neediness that cannot return true Love, but instead takes. True Love Gives, it does not hold.
When true Love is involved, there is no jealousy or envy. You are actually proud that your partner is independent, accomplished, confident and desired or wanted by the opposite sex. I am not saying they want to be with other people, actually no, they ONLY want to be connected with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When you Love truly, you actually only see that other person and they only see you. That every other person in the world has become something different (not less, but just different). If this binding is not mutual or natural, then you have something less or different than Love, and you should move away from it as soon as possible. Love is about Freedom, not possession. As the saying goes, if you Love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be, if not, then let them go. It will save you time, effort and plenty of heartache.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?
When we “fall in love” it is a beautiful thing, but did you know that most of the time, our own endocrine system (the part of the body that naturally produces hormones and chemicals) hijacks our ability to think rationally? I have always loved science, but cannot help but believe in the esoteric, since I do not just sense, feel, see but also live in this life. The problems arise when our more primordial self (chemicals, hormones, needs) collides with our higher self (thought, discipline, honor, reason, and integrity). As I wrote in the earlier blog about “What is Love?” this posting will try to reconcile the two when it comes to the matter of Love and offer a little explanation as to how the chemicals that get produced when we first fall in love can actually hijack our journey to true Love. I guess the larger question is do you want to be a Master of or a Slave to Love? One leads to freedom, the other to a viscous cycle of pain and joy, and then eventually to just numbness.
A very strong aspect of falling in Love involves a chemical reaction. That is why we feel that we cannot help ourselves when we feel such intense emotions towards the object of our affection, making it difficult to break away even when it is in our best interest to do so. The chemicals our brain produces when we initially “fall in love” with someone have been proven to be even more addictive than the most dangerous and addictive street drugs. Yet these chemicals only create an environment of euphoria, not LOVE.
In actuality, the production of these chemicals this has to do more with lust, desire, and procreation, that true Love. Love is not about the Chemicals, or more importantly, the chemicals create an environment that actually hijacks our ability to truly love. On the positive side, these chemical do open us up to being able to change, and be more pliable as subjects to change toward a more selfless love, but unfortunately most people fall into the toxic side of it. Since most people are not students in mastering Love, from my observation, the chemically induced state is really is more damaging than good. Much of the work I do is in getting people past the chemicals and into the spiritual and higher brain functions of Love.
People do not realize that Love is an art form that can be learned, much in the same way as martial arts or self defense is learned. And while these chemicals are very important in that learning process, they can often get us stuck in an addictive form of want, envy, jealousy, possessiveness, and rage. My goal is to help you recognize this form of insanity and addiction when it is happening and move you into a higher brain mastery of being able how to control your feelings and thoughts and give you skills to be a true master of Love. When you become a master of Love, you can actually control the production of some of these chemicals and create the “in love” environment on demand instead of being a slave to the “next” person syndrome.
Another aspect of Love is spiritual. As we become "connected" to the person we love through "a force that connects us all" (I like to call it “life energy”), we start to tap into a form of psychic awareness with our significant other that is actually heightened by the chemicals we are automatically producing. That is why you can think about your love interest right before the phone rings and sure enough it is your love calling you. That is why sometimes you know what they are thinking even before they say it. This connection is also why it is so difficult to let go when it is time to do so. Remember, these are just chemicals, not true love. Maybe think of them as parlor tricks. While I do not believe in soul mates, I do believe strongly in Love and in how to develop yourself into the best vehicle to be able to give and receive the Love you deserve. Yes there is a lot about Love to learn: the pain, the pleasure and all that goes with it. Unfortunately, most people get stuck on the chemical rush that comes with falling in love, and barely scratch the spiritual or higher brain mental functions that come with deep, unyielding, life changing Love. Once the chemicals of “falling in love” fade (and they will fade), we are left with an empty feeling of wondering “What in the hell was I thinking?”, or worse yet, are caught in an unyielding spiral of trying to get that “addictive, euphoric feeling” of being in love back again. We go chasing after that high, and end up in one bad relationship after another. These chemicals are strong, but they are not Love, and that my dear friends IS the problem. It may feel like Love, but it is only the beginning.
In future postings, I will try to explain in more detail how to recognize and develop true Love, what is going on chemically when we fall in love, how to grow spiritually in Love with another person, and explain how to strengthen yourself to be able to avoid love’s pitfalls in order to achieve the Love you deserve and want. Believe it or not, there is a way to learn how to control the raging chemicals that engulf our brains, and everyone has the capacity to learn how to love better, fuller, more deeply and find the right love for you, while at the same time avoid the traps that come with chemically addictive love.
Hope this shed some light on the uncontrolled reasons for the feelings we have when we fall in Love. My love to you all.Joan
A very strong aspect of falling in Love involves a chemical reaction. That is why we feel that we cannot help ourselves when we feel such intense emotions towards the object of our affection, making it difficult to break away even when it is in our best interest to do so. The chemicals our brain produces when we initially “fall in love” with someone have been proven to be even more addictive than the most dangerous and addictive street drugs. Yet these chemicals only create an environment of euphoria, not LOVE.
In actuality, the production of these chemicals this has to do more with lust, desire, and procreation, that true Love. Love is not about the Chemicals, or more importantly, the chemicals create an environment that actually hijacks our ability to truly love. On the positive side, these chemical do open us up to being able to change, and be more pliable as subjects to change toward a more selfless love, but unfortunately most people fall into the toxic side of it. Since most people are not students in mastering Love, from my observation, the chemically induced state is really is more damaging than good. Much of the work I do is in getting people past the chemicals and into the spiritual and higher brain functions of Love.
People do not realize that Love is an art form that can be learned, much in the same way as martial arts or self defense is learned. And while these chemicals are very important in that learning process, they can often get us stuck in an addictive form of want, envy, jealousy, possessiveness, and rage. My goal is to help you recognize this form of insanity and addiction when it is happening and move you into a higher brain mastery of being able how to control your feelings and thoughts and give you skills to be a true master of Love. When you become a master of Love, you can actually control the production of some of these chemicals and create the “in love” environment on demand instead of being a slave to the “next” person syndrome.
Another aspect of Love is spiritual. As we become "connected" to the person we love through "a force that connects us all" (I like to call it “life energy”), we start to tap into a form of psychic awareness with our significant other that is actually heightened by the chemicals we are automatically producing. That is why you can think about your love interest right before the phone rings and sure enough it is your love calling you. That is why sometimes you know what they are thinking even before they say it. This connection is also why it is so difficult to let go when it is time to do so. Remember, these are just chemicals, not true love. Maybe think of them as parlor tricks. While I do not believe in soul mates, I do believe strongly in Love and in how to develop yourself into the best vehicle to be able to give and receive the Love you deserve. Yes there is a lot about Love to learn: the pain, the pleasure and all that goes with it. Unfortunately, most people get stuck on the chemical rush that comes with falling in love, and barely scratch the spiritual or higher brain mental functions that come with deep, unyielding, life changing Love. Once the chemicals of “falling in love” fade (and they will fade), we are left with an empty feeling of wondering “What in the hell was I thinking?”, or worse yet, are caught in an unyielding spiral of trying to get that “addictive, euphoric feeling” of being in love back again. We go chasing after that high, and end up in one bad relationship after another. These chemicals are strong, but they are not Love, and that my dear friends IS the problem. It may feel like Love, but it is only the beginning.
In future postings, I will try to explain in more detail how to recognize and develop true Love, what is going on chemically when we fall in love, how to grow spiritually in Love with another person, and explain how to strengthen yourself to be able to avoid love’s pitfalls in order to achieve the Love you deserve and want. Believe it or not, there is a way to learn how to control the raging chemicals that engulf our brains, and everyone has the capacity to learn how to love better, fuller, more deeply and find the right love for you, while at the same time avoid the traps that come with chemically addictive love.
Hope this shed some light on the uncontrolled reasons for the feelings we have when we fall in Love. My love to you all.Joan
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
What is Love?
Boy do I get this question a lot! While there are tomes on this subject, in my upcoming posts I would like to list some things I believe embody what Love Is and Is Not in a series of blogs that will follow in the coming weeks. Some of these might be a little controversial, but in my 20 years of helping people, I have come to find them as true. Hopefully, these insights will help you on your way to the perfect Love you deserve in your life. These posts will really be the summation of my last three blogs (Need v. Want, Love and Dark Matter, and Fear is A Mind Killer), and over the period of the next few weeks I will be writing my opinions on Love and its incredible effects on all of us.
But what is so important about Love anyway? If Love is a constant uphill climb, with no top, why endure the struggle, the danger, the heartbreak, the disappointment? My answer is the same as a real mountain climber would give, “because it is there.” The Life and Love you deserve are ahead of you and either you test yourself in its challenges and rewards, or you stay huddled in the valley of a dreamless day to day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusionary sense of security and safety. Unfortunately, most people fear the adventure of finding true, deep, passionate Love. They fear going into the unknown and the unexplored. Paradoxically, they give up the dream of what may lie ahead on the heights of tomorrow for a perpetual nightmare of endless days and nights fearing the loss of a tenuous and unattainable feeling of security.
What I want to be able to do for all is give you the knowledge and help you develop your own skills in recognizing and achieving that most satisfying of all feelings: Unconditional, Honest, Complete, True Love. Yes, each of us has it in us to get there, and over the next few weeks I will outline what I feel you will need to know to get there and what things you should avoid that can sabotage your quest. Being In Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, but it lasts only for a brief period. Mastering LOVE is what life is all about, and hopefully I will be able adequately convey this knowledge to you in an abbreviated form with these posts.
In addition to the esoteric and cosmic aspects of Love, look for some additional posts concerning the more scientific facets of love. Essentially what is going on chemically and with our primordial brain when we fall in love. This more “technical” post to follow will be titled: “Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?” My next blog concerning Love’s Mastery will be: “Love is about Freedom, not Possession.”
Until my next post, Excelsior!
Joan
But what is so important about Love anyway? If Love is a constant uphill climb, with no top, why endure the struggle, the danger, the heartbreak, the disappointment? My answer is the same as a real mountain climber would give, “because it is there.” The Life and Love you deserve are ahead of you and either you test yourself in its challenges and rewards, or you stay huddled in the valley of a dreamless day to day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusionary sense of security and safety. Unfortunately, most people fear the adventure of finding true, deep, passionate Love. They fear going into the unknown and the unexplored. Paradoxically, they give up the dream of what may lie ahead on the heights of tomorrow for a perpetual nightmare of endless days and nights fearing the loss of a tenuous and unattainable feeling of security.
What I want to be able to do for all is give you the knowledge and help you develop your own skills in recognizing and achieving that most satisfying of all feelings: Unconditional, Honest, Complete, True Love. Yes, each of us has it in us to get there, and over the next few weeks I will outline what I feel you will need to know to get there and what things you should avoid that can sabotage your quest. Being In Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, but it lasts only for a brief period. Mastering LOVE is what life is all about, and hopefully I will be able adequately convey this knowledge to you in an abbreviated form with these posts.
In addition to the esoteric and cosmic aspects of Love, look for some additional posts concerning the more scientific facets of love. Essentially what is going on chemically and with our primordial brain when we fall in love. This more “technical” post to follow will be titled: “Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?” My next blog concerning Love’s Mastery will be: “Love is about Freedom, not Possession.”
Until my next post, Excelsior!
Joan
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