Sunday, July 26, 2009

Love takes Practice

(this is in continuation of my What is Love? series)

Every expert, or master, or professional started out as an amateur. Yes, even me; I was a bumbling, stumbling idiot in my first few relationships. Let me reassure you: Everyone can become a master of Love and Get the Love they deserve if they just start practicing today. If it is important to you, you have to start practicing and going through the process of success and failure.

As a good friend of mine is fond of saying, “In victory I learn little, but in defeat everything.” So too is it with Love. I learned (and so should you) from the many, many, many mistakes I made in relationships, and I have the advantage of being able to tap into the metaphysical, and get guidance from the astrological plane, but still I had to learn some things the hard way. In addition, my 15 plus years of counseling individuals through the pain and anguish of breakup, heartache and often reconciliation in love relationships has helped refined my skills and knowledge to a point of where I KNOW what a person in love will do even BEFORE they do it. Of course, personally I had a choice on what to do concerning the pain and anguish I went through in my failures. I could have committed myself to become a master of Love (where I could then help others), or I could have become fearful, jaded, bitter, scared, and cloistered my heart against any pain of feelings I might have experienced now and in the future. I choose to be a master of Love.

To become this master, I had to take a good look at myself and then ask what do I really Want (as opposed to just what I needed) in life and love (see my blog about Need v. Want). Once I did that, I was determined to develop the skills and knowledge to get what I wanted, not just what I needed. I had to practice every day, and little by little I started to understand and develop a skill set that allowed me to recognize love and be able to love fully and completely another person. It was sometimes hard, but the best part is when you really love someone, and they truly and completely love you back, it is like being in rapture. It is just totally the most out of this world feeling you will ever experience. As you both take that climb into a higher plane of existence, the feeling of joy grows, strengthens and catapults you to a totally new state of being. To most people, this is an alien and foreign world, but one I hope I can guide many people towards.

OK, just telling you to practice is not quite enough; I need to give you some how-tos as well. First, after your have sat down and figured what you want to give and get in a loving relationship (To help with this, please reference my Need v. Want blog), make a list of affirmations and recite that list every day until you can commit it to memory. This will start pointing your whole psyche towards the positive aspects of love and yourself. Next, go to the library or book store and start reading on topics dealing with successful love techniques. Yes, READ! Now (this is mostly for the girls out there). DO NOT JUMP INTO BED with anybody on the 1st, 2nd, or 5th date, and TALK about it to him first about how important it is to get to know each other first. If he is ONLY interested in sex he will run away (and good riddance), but if he is interested in YOU he will stick around. I do not care how cute, rich, handsome, etc he is, if you want to win at love, you need to play by the rule of keep away. Guys HAVE to invest in the relationship (remember your affirmations) in order to see value in YOU and the RELATIONSHIP. Men do not equate sex with love, thought they will say they do, the do not! Anything gained easily is easily lost. Work on friendship first, and fan the fires of passion along the way.

Tip number one for when you get into a relationship: Focus on the positive in him, you, and the relationship. EVERYONE has warts, and if you keep looking at them, that is all you are going to see. Most relationships fail because one person constantly brings up one item that irritates the hell out of the other person, and usually that one thing is NOT very important in the scheme of things. Women, Whine is a thing best served with cheese and is not the best form of communication and is something that will not win his heart or affection. I have known several extremely beautiful, accomplished women who could not stop whining, and hence could never fathom why they could never maintain a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Guys, learn to ask questions about the lady you are with OTHER than her physical attributes. Find something, anything that you two might share an interest in. Tip guys; woman really want to be appreciate for something other than their body, an it usually rest between their ears (it is neither their earrings, hair or their eyes).

Just as when I was practicing martial arts, the more I stayed at it the better I got. The more confidence and skill I was able to retain. Love is an Art form, very much like self-defense. It can both protect you and make you strong. It gives you balance and strength. It both soothes, and stresses. It is a cosmic force and an inner peace. Training for Love will eventually yield huge dividends. Love takes practice and therefore demands action. Usually the best way to put it is when you were young and started playing sports, you had practice, and coaches, and scrimmages, and more practice, coaching, games, successes and failures and once you got better at it, it became eventually easier to do. And when you started playing, you dreamed of becoming a pro, and winning that national championship (Stanley Cup, World Series, Masters, etc.). You set a goal and started going for it. Even though you might not become a pro, you got very good at whatever sport you were in. Now ask yourself, in the most important “sport” of your life, how much practice, coaching, and training have you done to increase your chances of success then change your behavior accordingly. Remember Love is a team sport. IF the partner becomes defensive, lower your voice, take some space, and give yourself some distance. If they truly love you they will come back, if not then they are not ready to love.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Love is NOT Security

(This in the continuation of the "What is Love?" post series)

Let me repeat. Love does NOT give you security. In actuality, to love and accept love you must first be secure in yourself. I know what I just said is going to be very controversial, but in order to truly be in LOVE and to be able to give LOVE fully, completely, to be that master of Love, you first have to be secure in yourself. Essentially, you have to be able to Love yourself. Yes, I know it sounds cliché, but it really, really, really is true. I see so many relationships where one of the individuals “thinks” they are in love, or understand the intricacies of Love, but it really is just lust or want because they do not understand themselves and their needs and wants. They have not taken the time to see where they are lacking in the ability to love, and they do not possess the security to be able to love themselves.

While your significant other may appear to be secure in their life and person, they may demonstrate some latent and obvious signs of insecurity prior to you ever getting together. Some of the signs of insecurity include: Wanting to Sleep together too soon; Wanting to move in together; Looking (checking out) at other people of the opposite sex excessively; a long string of serial relationships (going from one “fix” to another); manipulating your schedule so as to spend all your spare time with them; excluding your friends; and the inability to be flexible. Real security allows you to give your partner the freedom (see Love is about Freedom, not Possession post) they need.


Of course, the opposite of insecurity is confidence. Confidence is something that does not come with looks, money, power, etc.. It is also NOT about ego, but about the quiet knowledge that you are capable of achieving any goal or getting out of any bad situation you might happen to be in. Confidence comes with the security of truly knowing yourself and in the knowledge that everyday you strive to make yourself as good a person you possible can be.

I am not saying that when two people REALLY Love each other they are not secure in their Love, they are, because they are first secure in themselves. Security in the relationship comes for the security in each individual in the bond. Lao Tzu once stated "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." The duality of security, It is the ying and yang of Love. In actuality, Strength and Courage are two essential ingredients in creating the life of love you deserve. These two ingredients are essential to any relationship involving love. To possess strength and courage is to have confidence and from that confidence you must be secure in yourself and in your abilities. So, how do you go about developing this security in your ability to Love and to Love yourself? I will explain in my subsequent posts.

Here is to getting to love yourself!
Joan

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Love is about Freedom, Not Possession

This is a tough one for most people to understand. Love is about Freedom. When you love a person, you cannot bind them to your Love. You can only bind yourself to them. Actually, when you truly LOVE another person, you are constantly challenging them to grow and strengthen. The only way they can do this is separate form yourself! Yes, away from you! But the GREAT thing about love and separation is as de la Rouchefoucauld says, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”

Remember in my earlier post I spoke about the Chemicals involved in falling in Love? (see Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?) Well, this is where those chemicals are now fighting against a higher, truer more permanent and lasting love. Oh boy, this is where all the problems I see in my practice come in and where the Masters of Love separate themselves from the Slaves to Love. Where couples who are happy and fulfilled in their relationships separate themselves from those who are not. The ability to see past this “primordial” chemical fix is what can get us to the Love we Deserve. This is going to be the single hardest thing for most people to do: Let Go! Give Freedom! The addictive properties of the drugs coursing through our bodies want to make you hold onto the initial feelings of euphoria and pleasure, but believe me they are transitory at best.

Holding on to them and subsequently the person who initially triggered them will not result in the long term joy, security, and passion you really want. They will give you Lust but not Love! And lust is ephemeral and unsustainable; it is as transitory as a summer storm. You will be going from one failed relationship to another trying to maintain or regain that “fix.” If you just want Lust then fine, but if you want to discover the joys of true soul shaking love then let go and become a master.

Real Love, Deep Love, does not need to hold on. In actuality, the MORE freedom you give the other person you love and who truly loves you, the MORE Love you get. Being away from the other person who vibrates at the same frequency as you, your other true half, is so disturbing that the whole time you are away you whole psyche sends out a beckon making them ache for their return. The further they are away from you, you somehow become less away from them. Of course, you WANT to be with them as you cannot wait to tell them of your victories, and defeats; or to hear about theirs; but you do not NEED to be near them. Freedom begets strength and courage and all the joys associated with them.

The other part of Freedom is in what you GIVE. True Love allows you to give yourself freely, completely, totally to the other, to the relationship. Every fiber in your body, your heart, your soul, your mind is given over to the relationship. You do not loose your ego, but instead create an entity that gives you power and self confidence. This is the Freedom in what you GET. There is NO fear of being hurt, or disappointed, but because the Love is in the giving. If the other person does not accept the gift, the gift is still there. It has not diminished, nor lessened in its value or beauty. If the other person cannot accept it, then you still have the gift to give and it just may to be given to another. Still, to have another Love you completely, deeply, honestly, freely, totally is Life’s Greatest Joy. You cannot make another Love you, but when you Love, remember it is always about setting the other Free. This Freedom in turn will be given back to you when you are loved back.

Anything that tries to mitigate that Freedom, to superimpose an unwilling or unnatural binding, to restrict your inner child, your growth, your needs is not Love but possession. So when your partner starts to curtail your actions, or wants you to move in too soon, or takes you away from your friends, or routines, or likes, or asks to marry you too soon, etc.; these are some of the warning signs of possession. The need to possess comes for a sense of insecurity (I will talk about this in a subsequent post). This insecurity can come from many places, but it an acid that will eat away at the relationship as surely as the sun rises. At first it may look like kindness , or want, or love, but it is NOT. It is control. It is a neediness that cannot return true Love, but instead takes. True Love Gives, it does not hold.

When true Love is involved, there is no jealousy or envy. You are actually proud that your partner is independent, accomplished, confident and desired or wanted by the opposite sex. I am not saying they want to be with other people, actually no, they ONLY want to be connected with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When you Love truly, you actually only see that other person and they only see you. That every other person in the world has become something different (not less, but just different). If this binding is not mutual or natural, then you have something less or different than Love, and you should move away from it as soon as possible. Love is about Freedom, not possession. As the saying goes, if you Love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be, if not, then let them go. It will save you time, effort and plenty of heartache.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?

When we “fall in love” it is a beautiful thing, but did you know that most of the time, our own endocrine system (the part of the body that naturally produces hormones and chemicals) hijacks our ability to think rationally? I have always loved science, but cannot help but believe in the esoteric, since I do not just sense, feel, see but also live in this life. The problems arise when our more primordial self (chemicals, hormones, needs) collides with our higher self (thought, discipline, honor, reason, and integrity). As I wrote in the earlier blog about “What is Love?” this posting will try to reconcile the two when it comes to the matter of Love and offer a little explanation as to how the chemicals that get produced when we first fall in love can actually hijack our journey to true Love. I guess the larger question is do you want to be a Master of or a Slave to Love? One leads to freedom, the other to a viscous cycle of pain and joy, and then eventually to just numbness.

A very strong aspect of falling in Love involves a chemical reaction. That is why we feel that we cannot help ourselves when we feel such intense emotions towards the object of our affection, making it difficult to break away even when it is in our best interest to do so. The chemicals our brain produces when we initially “fall in love” with someone have been proven to be even more addictive than the most dangerous and addictive street drugs. Yet these chemicals only create an environment of euphoria, not LOVE.

In actuality, the production of these chemicals this has to do more with lust, desire, and procreation, that true Love. Love is not about the Chemicals, or more importantly, the chemicals create an environment that actually hijacks our ability to truly love. On the positive side, these chemical do open us up to being able to change, and be more pliable as subjects to change toward a more selfless love, but unfortunately most people fall into the toxic side of it. Since most people are not students in mastering Love, from my observation, the chemically induced state is really is more damaging than good. Much of the work I do is in getting people past the chemicals and into the spiritual and higher brain functions of Love.

People do not realize that Love is an art form that can be learned, much in the same way as martial arts or self defense is learned. And while these chemicals are very important in that learning process, they can often get us stuck in an addictive form of want, envy, jealousy, possessiveness, and rage. My goal is to help you recognize this form of insanity and addiction when it is happening and move you into a higher brain mastery of being able how to control your feelings and thoughts and give you skills to be a true master of Love. When you become a master of Love, you can actually control the production of some of these chemicals and create the “in love” environment on demand instead of being a slave to the “next” person syndrome.


Another aspect of Love is spiritual. As we become "connected" to the person we love through "a force that connects us all" (I like to call it “life energy”), we start to tap into a form of psychic awareness with our significant other that is actually heightened by the chemicals we are automatically producing. That is why you can think about your love interest right before the phone rings and sure enough it is your love calling you. That is why sometimes you know what they are thinking even before they say it. This connection is also why it is so difficult to let go when it is time to do so. Remember, these are just chemicals, not true love. Maybe think of them as parlor tricks. While I do not believe in soul mates, I do believe strongly in Love and in how to develop yourself into the best vehicle to be able to give and receive the Love you deserve. Yes there is a lot about Love to learn: the pain, the pleasure and all that goes with it. Unfortunately, most people get stuck on the chemical rush that comes with falling in love, and barely scratch the spiritual or higher brain mental functions that come with deep, unyielding, life changing Love. Once the chemicals of “falling in love” fade (and they will fade), we are left with an empty feeling of wondering “What in the hell was I thinking?”, or worse yet, are caught in an unyielding spiral of trying to get that “addictive, euphoric feeling” of being in love back again. We go chasing after that high, and end up in one bad relationship after another. These chemicals are strong, but they are not Love, and that my dear friends IS the problem. It may feel like Love, but it is only the beginning.

In future postings, I will try to explain in more detail how to recognize and develop true Love, what is going on chemically when we fall in love, how to grow spiritually in Love with another person, and explain how to strengthen yourself to be able to avoid love’s pitfalls in order to achieve the Love you deserve and want. Believe it or not, there is a way to learn how to control the raging chemicals that engulf our brains, and everyone has the capacity to learn how to love better, fuller, more deeply and find the right love for you, while at the same time avoid the traps that come with chemically addictive love.

Hope this shed some light on the uncontrolled reasons for the feelings we have when we fall in Love. My love to you all.Joan

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What is Love?

Boy do I get this question a lot! While there are tomes on this subject, in my upcoming posts I would like to list some things I believe embody what Love Is and Is Not in a series of blogs that will follow in the coming weeks. Some of these might be a little controversial, but in my 20 years of helping people, I have come to find them as true. Hopefully, these insights will help you on your way to the perfect Love you deserve in your life. These posts will really be the summation of my last three blogs (Need v. Want, Love and Dark Matter, and Fear is A Mind Killer), and over the period of the next few weeks I will be writing my opinions on Love and its incredible effects on all of us.

But what is so important about Love anyway? If Love is a constant uphill climb, with no top, why endure the struggle, the danger, the heartbreak, the disappointment? My answer is the same as a real mountain climber would give, “because it is there.” The Life and Love you deserve are ahead of you and either you test yourself in its challenges and rewards, or you stay huddled in the valley of a dreamless day to day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusionary sense of security and safety. Unfortunately, most people fear the adventure of finding true, deep, passionate Love. They fear going into the unknown and the unexplored. Paradoxically, they give up the dream of what may lie ahead on the heights of tomorrow for a perpetual nightmare of endless days and nights fearing the loss of a tenuous and unattainable feeling of security.

What I want to be able to do for all is give you the knowledge and help you develop your own skills in recognizing and achieving that most satisfying of all feelings: Unconditional, Honest, Complete, True Love. Yes, each of us has it in us to get there, and over the next few weeks I will outline what I feel you will need to know to get there and what things you should avoid that can sabotage your quest. Being In Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, but it lasts only for a brief period. Mastering LOVE is what life is all about, and hopefully I will be able adequately convey this knowledge to you in an abbreviated form with these posts.

In addition to the esoteric and cosmic aspects of Love, look for some additional posts concerning the more scientific facets of love. Essentially what is going on chemically and with our primordial brain when we fall in love. This more “technical” post to follow will be titled: “Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?” My next blog concerning Love’s Mastery will be: “Love is about Freedom, not Possession.”

Until my next post, Excelsior!
Joan

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Living Dangerously

"When a man knows how to live dangerously, he is not afraid to die. When he is not afraid to die, he is, strangely, free to live."
--- William O. Douglas

from: Potent Quotables

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Fear Is A Mind Killer

Happy Independence Day! Today is my birthday, and I was thinking about what birthdays should be about? While I enjoy getting presents, it just seems too small of an idea for a day like today! As I am a giving person, I thought today I would give YOU a gift.

I was watching the movie "Dune", by Frank Herbert (remember, I am a geek / nerd) and there is a very famous line known as the Litany against Fear that goes like this:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

The reason why this is so important as a gift is that I find that most people do not get the love that they want due MOSTLY out of fear. They are afraid of being alone, or of not finding the right person, of failure and rejection, or making themselves better, of growing, or of the unknown, or of having to start over, or of really getting the love of their life.

A good friend of mine is found of saying, "Only those who can see the Invisible, can do the Impossible." Well, I see the Invisible forces in all of us, and believe it is possible for your to find the Love of Your Live once you get past the fear.

I have to tell you this, if FEAR is keeping you from growing, then you are in a cage of your own making and NOT living the life you are capable of enjoying. Yes, Fear is a Mind Killer. It is the little death! Yes, even I occasionally have been trapped in my own cage of Fear, and was afraid to into that place of the unknown. I imaged it to be evil, wicked, painful, and lonely. I did not realize that I am the captain of my destiny, and Fear was taking that power away from me. Everyone is afraid at some time in their lives, it is just that the people who find true happiness and love are able to get past that fear. Yes, FEAR is a mind killer. It freezes us in a place where at any other time we would not want to be. It often prevents us for have the things we WANT, and instead we go after the things we NEED (see my blog Need v. Want).

Getting past this Fear is scary, it is hard, it takes work and help to get through it, but trust me it is worth it. If you want to get to future you deserve, and the love you crave (yes, we all want to be in love, madly, passionately, romantically, completely), then face and then abandon your fears of success. Yes, I said success. I know it is so much easier to stay in a bad, or unfulfilling relationship, or not try to go out and be the very best you can be, but trust me, in the long run you REALLY wished you had taken that first step into a better life. Do it, and do it now! Realize that the fear is holding you back, and I am here to help. Your fear of actually being successful often is much greater than that of failure, because it is such a LARGE unknown to most of us.

So, here is my gift to you. All of us have a mate out there waiting for us. One who vibrates on the same resonance as we do (I will write another blog about that topic in the future). One that makes us feel like a child again: whole, innocent, beautiful, powerful, wonderful, magical! What is stopping us from meeting that person is our FEAR of becoming the best we can, or being the true self and obtaining success. The fear of taking that risk of creating the future of our dreams is what is stopping you. Yes, you will have setbacks (and with those I can help), and yes, it will take work, but when you find that other person that matches you completely (see my entry on "Love and Dark Matter"), that vibrates with the same energy that you do, then your soul and spirit will be released and all the struggles and pain will melt away and be totally forgotten. The reward for your work will be so sweet that you will feel like your in heaven. I WANT everyone to experience that feeling, that success and am here to help you make it come true.

My first gift will be to help you see your FEAR and help you get past IT. This is my birthday gift to you! Now that you know a thing as true, it is easier to fix it. It would be good for all of us to remember the Litany of Fear and put its words to practice. This knowledge has power and can be the first tiny step to your better future. Happy Birthday everyone!

With Love, Warmth, and Tenderness,
Joan

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Love and Dark Matter

“May the Force Be With You!” Famous words issued by the Jedi faithful in George Lucas’ immortal Star Wars saga. (BTW, anyone who knows me knows I am a total sci-fi geek!).

Most things that happen to us concerning love can be explained logically or scientifically, either through brain chemistry, mathematical predictions, or pattern recognition, but some things that happen like luck, true love, serendipitous encounters, and chance or coincidences cannot.

Recently, scientists have hypothesized the existence of something known as dark matter which is found throughout the know universe. This substance cannot be detected by radiation or other measurements, but can be inferred by its gravitational “effects” on other objects (like the pull of love). Scientists now believe that dark matter connects the whole universe (the Force) through this gravitational pull, and accounts for the vast majority of substance in the observable universe. Dark matter, like love, contains no atoms, but it does affect other objects through its gravitational influence.

Interestingly enough, scientists also believe that gravity should be much stronger in our known universe and is in actuality too weak to be accounted for the mass of planets. For example, a magnet can lift a nail from the table, when in actuality gravity (another electromagnetic force) should not allow that to happen.

Just like we have been asking for eons what causes love, scientists have been trying to determine where gravity comes from. They are building multi-billion dollar super colliders, such as CERN, to try and determine just what causes gravity by smashing subatomic particles together at the speed of light, which in turn, creates even smaller subatomic particles (like dark matter).

I believe that when our astral bodies slip out of our physical shells that we temporarily inhabit, we travel in a different realm, dimension, plane of existence, vibration, whatever you want to call it, which can be accounted for by what modern science refers to as “dark matter” or “dark energy”. These other realms, or dimensions are not part of our reality other than that they are linked to our reality via gravitational forces. This “dark matter” can help explain the influences individuals in the psychic realm who can tap into the universal stream of “consciousness” and insight. Individuals, who have a deep, uncontaminated spiritual guide in this stream, can gain incredible insight into this “force” of existence and help guide you in this world.

I feel that this dark matter and its gravitational “force” are somehow associated with what we commonly experience as love and attraction. Like gravity, love cannot be explained or defined. We do not know logically what love is, but we observe its presence because we experience it. Like gravity, love is a “force” that may be infinite in range and duration (eternal). It transcends race, religion, ethnicity, and age. I have also found that true “Jedi Masters” of love have an understanding of life and living beyond the average persons’ comprehension, and to encounter one of these masters is a rare and wonderful thing.

As a spiritual being having a human experience and I am a traveler on the journey of my life, the ultimate purpose of my existence and yours is to experience being truly and deeply loved and appreciated and hopefully fall madly in love with another loving spirit. Love is a universal constant. I believe that you cannot “make” yourself love someone else (no matter how much you “like” the person), nor can you stop yourself from loving someone you are in love with. Real Love is like a combination of compatible fissionable materials that creates a nuclear heat that fuses two people together and no matter how much you deny it, that fusing will happen. You cannot force it, or hope for it. Love just happens or it does not happen. Either you experience it or you do not. When you are with that person, you both resonate at the same frequency, you cannot explain it, you just are happy, at peace, and actually think about the person all the time even though you might be with someone else. It is like the Ying-Yang of Taoism. That is why love is such a gravitational-like mystery. When two bodies (people) are connected through the “dark matter” conduit of love, there is no escape of its gravitational pull. It is hard to understand, but it is real. Love stems somewhere form deep in our souls that connect us all through a force like dark matter.

Does that mean when two people are “pulled” together that they are soul mates? No, even with this pull, Love takes work to maintain. Both people have to be “ready” to receive and master this force. You have to keep growing and feeding this attraction to keep the gravity balanced as you spin closer and faster together or the weak forces will corrupt the gravitation pull and cause a decoupling of enormous pain and destruction or the mutual annihilation due to an unbalanced merging. The nice thing to know that there is some higher source drawing us to our “dark matter” companion. I would like to believe that love conquers all, because like gravity, it is eternal and universal.

Here is to “The Force” of dark matter working in your favor. May you find yours.

Love Joan

I would like to give credit to Mark Hatzenbeller for his contribution of the concept of dark matter which started this blog and Jeffrey Fry for contributing his sense of romance and his expertise in this area love and science. I would not be able to keep up with all this without Jeffrey's proding and help:)