Need v. Want

Most of us want to be in a passionate, romantic, intense, loving relationship, but just about all of us end up settling for our more primal needs for companionship and physical intimacy. Unfortunately, most of these relationships do not work. The problems we run into in most of our relationships is because we fall into very predictable patterns of behaviors due in a large part to following our needs. As Albert Einstein once quipped, “"Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results." While most of us really, really, really do want a long term love, romance, and a relationship, we do not realize that love is NOT a need, but a want. Love takes practice, effort, skill, and knowledge. Having sex, on the contrary, usually comes naturally and too many times is mistaken for Love. Procreation is a need, not a want, and that is what I want to talk about in this blog: Need v. Want and how to get what you WANT.

While my business is helping people who unfortunately fall into predictable patterns of “insanity,” my other passion in life is trying to help people prevent the pain caused by these situations in the first place, and help them create the future they deserve.

It is a fact of life that most of us are lazy, and do not want to put in the effort or time “practicing” for Love when it arrives. We think “love” should come naturally and that we are all experts at being lovers or we will know we are "in love" when we see it. Maybe having sex (“making love”) might come naturally to some of us (and even there we can always improve), Loving on the other hand does NOT! Love is Work. Yes, let me repeat, true, deep, passionate, long lasting, rejuvenating, freeing Love is Work, and takes a lot of skill and practice to master, but once their, the rewards are oh so very sweet and great as to make the work seem like child’s play.

So what does this mean? What is the difference between a want and a need? Essentially, WANTS are more like developing a long-term strategy or goal while NEEDS are short term fixes or patches to get us by, sort of like the next cigarette or drink to relax us, or just a warm body to comfort us. While getting a NEED met every now and then is not so bad, habitually, if that is all we do, then our real WANTS will never be fulfilled. Unfortunately, most people do not focus on getting to their “WANTS” and instead just settle for the familiar, and often doomed, needs. A warm body, and friendly smile, some social skills, a good looking face, and we think it is love. Well, it is not. A true, binding, blinding hot, intense, life fulfilling, long term Love is not something that is found on the side of the road or on the edge of a bar stool, or on the Internet. It is something that is cultivated, nurtured, and learned.

Part of the reason people continue into the predictable pattern is that they do not understand the difference between the Hierarchy of WANTS and the Hierarchy of NEEDS and how it plays on our decision making concerning a mate or significant other. The Hierarchy of Wants is based on the following four criteria in the order of importance for compatibility:
Intellectual – (natural curiosity, knowledge, interests, friendship)
Psychological – (ethics, perseverance, endurance, adaptability)
Emotional – (state of being, happy v. sad, giving, caring, outgoing, needs)
Physical – (looks, body styles, hair color, body size)

Conversely, the Hierarchy of NEEDS, while made up of the same criteria, goes in the opposite order, and is why most relationships end in disaster. The reason why most relationships do not last is because one or both of the individuals in the relationship have not taken the time to decide what their WANTS are in the four “Hierarchy of WANTS.”

Even if someone has taken the time to decide what they really WANT, reverting to the familiar is so powerful that they usually fall back on their “Hierarchy of NEEDS” and settle for something far less than with they deserve, and far from what they really want. I see it all the time; someone is attracted to someone else based on the physical looks, and totally downplays the other three higher criterion. Or they make excuses or rationalize why the other criteria are not that important, but I can tell you now, this relationship is doomed. While the (physical) sex or attraction may be great in the beginning, eventually, something is going to become unhinged because the other levels of compatibility are not being met or have not fully been developed. That is not to say that some people get lucky with these other wants, but the chances of this happen are so far removed as to be non-existent.

So why are the Hierarchy of WANTS so important in keeping a relationship together and growing? While there is often not much you can do about increasing your IQ, there is plenty you can do with the intelligence given to you by the Creator to learn things. Most people do not really connect intellectually at all, and believe it or not, the most important factor in GREAT sex is the BRAIN and the connections you will make with your partner there. Intelligence is also the part of the WANT that creates the Friendship part of the relationship. Friendship? Yes, Friendship. This is were all the bonds of true compatibility are established, and is the greatest element in the establishment of a long-term relationship. It is amazing how often I find out that couples do not consider themselves great friends first! In most cases, those relationships will NOT last because the mental aspect of the relationship was never full developed, and in essence, there is not firm foundation to rest all the ups and downs of a joint life upon.

Psychological has to do with the strength of character, integrity ethics, and security. This is the WANT that builds long term trust, nurturing, encouragement, freedom and pride in you and your partner. Emotional has to do with you start of mind. Are you normally happy or sad? Do you need someone to make you happy? Are you emotionally stable, or do you subconsciously sabotage yourself? Coming into a relation with a healthy outlook psychologically and emotionally goes a long way to guaranteeing a great long term relationship. Finally, the physical compatibility, while important, is not the most important in building a loving, blinding hot, passionate relationship. Think about it. Looks fade, and we all grow old. Good sex last 15 to 30 minutes; Great sex a few hours. What are you doing the rest of an 18-hour waking day? Hint: usually using the brain, psyche, or emotions to better connect with you partner! Another thing, most peoples looks deteriorate over time, but usually the mental, psychological and emotional states tend to get stronger, so if you basing a relationship on looks, you are definitely heading towards troubled waters.

OK, now what? How can you find the "right" person? My advice to finding the “real” love in your life: Dedicate at least two hours to sit down in a quiet place and write out what you want in a significant other in terms of the “Hierarchy of WANTS.” At the same time, look at what you have been doing in your past relationships with the Hierarchy that has caused them to fail and if you are falling into the same pattern again. Oh yes, ALL the signs where there BEFORE you got into that doomed relationship, but you choose to ignore them! Once you have established your list, now start practicing in your mind what you will do to attract a person who possesses these long term WANTS. What behaviors will you change? What patterns will you break? What will true, passionate, intimate love look like when you see it? What are the warning signs in the other person that will make your run for the hills NO MATTER HOW GOOD LOOKING THEY ARE! It will take time to begin to see how Wants and Needs are different. Just like coming off a drug addition, but in the end, you will move to a more positive self-image of what you want, and chart a long term course of getting it, instead of swinging like a monkey from need to need.

All that I want is for you to have the ability to see when you are making a mistake BEFORE you make it. Even taking this approach, there are going to be "bumps in the road" for any relationship, but they will be mild and not damaging. As a bonus, with this skill you WILL also be able to recognize the “love of your life” more readily when he or she walks into the door.

If you do not put in this work, finding this “true love” will be virtually impossible, because your primitive brain will not allow your “higher brain” to operate in a space of uncharted territory. Instead, you will “settle” for something less, something familiar and then again be asking yourself, how did I get into this? And you will be calling me up for the answers of how to fix it which unfortunately will be so much more difficult to do at that juncture.

It is a rare individual indeed who can master this dedication to getting their true WANTS. Incredibly, people who pursue their NEEDS rarely ever get their WANTS fulfilled, while, believe it or not, if you pursue your long term WANTS OVER your short term NEEDS, you will eventually get all of your romantic, psychological, self esteem, security, mental, emotional, and intimacy needs met. Ironic, isn't it? The way you approach Love will determine your chances for success! Of course when you stray from your WANTS, or are having trouble determining how to formulate them, I am here to help! To the life you deserve, with love, Joan of Hearts

p.s: Thank you to my very special friend who helped me solidify these thoughts into a coherent message. He is always there to show me how to be a better, loving person and make the right choices in my life as well.