Love takes Practice

(this is in continuation of my What is Love? series)

Every expert, or master, or professional started out as an amateur. Yes, even me; I was a bumbling, stumbling idiot in my first few relationships. Let me reassure you: Everyone can become a master of Love and Get the Love they deserve if they just start practicing today. If it is important to you, you have to start practicing and going through the process of success and failure.

As a good friend of mine is fond of saying, “In victory I learn little, but in defeat everything.” So too is it with Love. I learned (and so should you) from the many, many, many mistakes I made in relationships, and I have the advantage of being able to tap into the metaphysical, and get guidance from the astrological plane, but still I had to learn some things the hard way. In addition, my 15 plus years of counseling individuals through the pain and anguish of breakup, heartache and often reconciliation in love relationships has helped refined my skills and knowledge to a point of where I KNOW what a person in love will do even BEFORE they do it. Of course, personally I had a choice on what to do concerning the pain and anguish I went through in my failures. I could have committed myself to become a master of Love (where I could then help others), or I could have become fearful, jaded, bitter, scared, and cloistered my heart against any pain of feelings I might have experienced now and in the future. I choose to be a master of Love.

To become this master, I had to take a good look at myself and then ask what do I really Want (as opposed to just what I needed) in life and love (see my blog about Need v. Want). Once I did that, I was determined to develop the skills and knowledge to get what I wanted, not just what I needed. I had to practice every day, and little by little I started to understand and develop a skill set that allowed me to recognize love and be able to love fully and completely another person. It was sometimes hard, but the best part is when you really love someone, and they truly and completely love you back, it is like being in rapture. It is just totally the most out of this world feeling you will ever experience. As you both take that climb into a higher plane of existence, the feeling of joy grows, strengthens and catapults you to a totally new state of being. To most people, this is an alien and foreign world, but one I hope I can guide many people towards.

OK, just telling you to practice is not quite enough; I need to give you some how-tos as well. First, after your have sat down and figured what you want to give and get in a loving relationship (To help with this, please reference my Need v. Want blog), make a list of affirmations and recite that list every day until you can commit it to memory. This will start pointing your whole psyche towards the positive aspects of love and yourself. Next, go to the library or book store and start reading on topics dealing with successful love techniques. Yes, READ! Now (this is mostly for the girls out there). DO NOT JUMP INTO BED with anybody on the 1st, 2nd, or 5th date, and TALK about it to him first about how important it is to get to know each other first. If he is ONLY interested in sex he will run away (and good riddance), but if he is interested in YOU he will stick around. I do not care how cute, rich, handsome, etc he is, if you want to win at love, you need to play by the rule of keep away. Guys HAVE to invest in the relationship (remember your affirmations) in order to see value in YOU and the RELATIONSHIP. Men do not equate sex with love, thought they will say they do, the do not! Anything gained easily is easily lost. Work on friendship first, and fan the fires of passion along the way.

Tip number one for when you get into a relationship: Focus on the positive in him, you, and the relationship. EVERYONE has warts, and if you keep looking at them, that is all you are going to see. Most relationships fail because one person constantly brings up one item that irritates the hell out of the other person, and usually that one thing is NOT very important in the scheme of things. Women, Whine is a thing best served with cheese and is not the best form of communication and is something that will not win his heart or affection. I have known several extremely beautiful, accomplished women who could not stop whining, and hence could never fathom why they could never maintain a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Guys, learn to ask questions about the lady you are with OTHER than her physical attributes. Find something, anything that you two might share an interest in. Tip guys; woman really want to be appreciate for something other than their body, an it usually rest between their ears (it is neither their earrings, hair or their eyes).

Just as when I was practicing martial arts, the more I stayed at it the better I got. The more confidence and skill I was able to retain. Love is an Art form, very much like self-defense. It can both protect you and make you strong. It gives you balance and strength. It both soothes, and stresses. It is a cosmic force and an inner peace. Training for Love will eventually yield huge dividends. Love takes practice and therefore demands action. Usually the best way to put it is when you were young and started playing sports, you had practice, and coaches, and scrimmages, and more practice, coaching, games, successes and failures and once you got better at it, it became eventually easier to do. And when you started playing, you dreamed of becoming a pro, and winning that national championship (Stanley Cup, World Series, Masters, etc.). You set a goal and started going for it. Even though you might not become a pro, you got very good at whatever sport you were in. Now ask yourself, in the most important “sport” of your life, how much practice, coaching, and training have you done to increase your chances of success then change your behavior accordingly. Remember Love is a team sport. IF the partner becomes defensive, lower your voice, take some space, and give yourself some distance. If they truly love you they will come back, if not then they are not ready to love.

Love is about Freedom, Not Possession

This is a tough one for most people to understand. Love is about Freedom. When you love a person, you cannot bind them to your Love. You can only bind yourself to them. Actually, when you truly LOVE another person, you are constantly challenging them to grow and strengthen. The only way they can do this is separate form yourself! Yes, away from you! But the GREAT thing about love and separation is as de la Rouchefoucauld says, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”

Remember in my earlier post I spoke about the Chemicals involved in falling in Love? (see Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?) Well, this is where those chemicals are now fighting against a higher, truer more permanent and lasting love. Oh boy, this is where all the problems I see in my practice come in and where the Masters of Love separate themselves from the Slaves to Love. Where couples who are happy and fulfilled in their relationships separate themselves from those who are not. The ability to see past this “primordial” chemical fix is what can get us to the Love we Deserve. This is going to be the single hardest thing for most people to do: Let Go! Give Freedom! The addictive properties of the drugs coursing through our bodies want to make you hold onto the initial feelings of euphoria and pleasure, but believe me they are transitory at best.

Holding on to them and subsequently the person who initially triggered them will not result in the long term joy, security, and passion you really want. They will give you Lust but not Love! And lust is ephemeral and unsustainable; it is as transitory as a summer storm. You will be going from one failed relationship to another trying to maintain or regain that “fix.” If you just want Lust then fine, but if you want to discover the joys of true soul shaking love then let go and become a master.

Real Love, Deep Love, does not need to hold on. In actuality, the MORE freedom you give the other person you love and who truly loves you, the MORE Love you get. Being away from the other person who vibrates at the same frequency as you, your other true half, is so disturbing that the whole time you are away you whole psyche sends out a beckon making them ache for their return. The further they are away from you, you somehow become less away from them. Of course, you WANT to be with them as you cannot wait to tell them of your victories, and defeats; or to hear about theirs; but you do not NEED to be near them. Freedom begets strength and courage and all the joys associated with them.

The other part of Freedom is in what you GIVE. True Love allows you to give yourself freely, completely, totally to the other, to the relationship. Every fiber in your body, your heart, your soul, your mind is given over to the relationship. You do not loose your ego, but instead create an entity that gives you power and self confidence. This is the Freedom in what you GET. There is NO fear of being hurt, or disappointed, but because the Love is in the giving. If the other person does not accept the gift, the gift is still there. It has not diminished, nor lessened in its value or beauty. If the other person cannot accept it, then you still have the gift to give and it just may to be given to another. Still, to have another Love you completely, deeply, honestly, freely, totally is Life’s Greatest Joy. You cannot make another Love you, but when you Love, remember it is always about setting the other Free. This Freedom in turn will be given back to you when you are loved back.

Anything that tries to mitigate that Freedom, to superimpose an unwilling or unnatural binding, to restrict your inner child, your growth, your needs is not Love but possession. So when your partner starts to curtail your actions, or wants you to move in too soon, or takes you away from your friends, or routines, or likes, or asks to marry you too soon, etc.; these are some of the warning signs of possession. The need to possess comes for a sense of insecurity (I will talk about this in a subsequent post). This insecurity can come from many places, but it an acid that will eat away at the relationship as surely as the sun rises. At first it may look like kindness , or want, or love, but it is NOT. It is control. It is a neediness that cannot return true Love, but instead takes. True Love Gives, it does not hold.

When true Love is involved, there is no jealousy or envy. You are actually proud that your partner is independent, accomplished, confident and desired or wanted by the opposite sex. I am not saying they want to be with other people, actually no, they ONLY want to be connected with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When you Love truly, you actually only see that other person and they only see you. That every other person in the world has become something different (not less, but just different). If this binding is not mutual or natural, then you have something less or different than Love, and you should move away from it as soon as possible. Love is about Freedom, not possession. As the saying goes, if you Love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be, if not, then let them go. It will save you time, effort and plenty of heartache.

Love and Being

“You often love someone not for what they are, but for what you are when you are with them.”
--Jeffrey Fry

p.s.: This is from a very good friend of mine, and if you like this quotation please visit his blog at wordecho.blogspot.com