Love is about Freedom, Not Possession

This is a tough one for most people to understand. Love is about Freedom. When you love a person, you cannot bind them to your Love. You can only bind yourself to them. Actually, when you truly LOVE another person, you are constantly challenging them to grow and strengthen. The only way they can do this is separate form yourself! Yes, away from you! But the GREAT thing about love and separation is as de la Rouchefoucauld says, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”

Remember in my earlier post I spoke about the Chemicals involved in falling in Love? (see Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?) Well, this is where those chemicals are now fighting against a higher, truer more permanent and lasting love. Oh boy, this is where all the problems I see in my practice come in and where the Masters of Love separate themselves from the Slaves to Love. Where couples who are happy and fulfilled in their relationships separate themselves from those who are not. The ability to see past this “primordial” chemical fix is what can get us to the Love we Deserve. This is going to be the single hardest thing for most people to do: Let Go! Give Freedom! The addictive properties of the drugs coursing through our bodies want to make you hold onto the initial feelings of euphoria and pleasure, but believe me they are transitory at best.

Holding on to them and subsequently the person who initially triggered them will not result in the long term joy, security, and passion you really want. They will give you Lust but not Love! And lust is ephemeral and unsustainable; it is as transitory as a summer storm. You will be going from one failed relationship to another trying to maintain or regain that “fix.” If you just want Lust then fine, but if you want to discover the joys of true soul shaking love then let go and become a master.

Real Love, Deep Love, does not need to hold on. In actuality, the MORE freedom you give the other person you love and who truly loves you, the MORE Love you get. Being away from the other person who vibrates at the same frequency as you, your other true half, is so disturbing that the whole time you are away you whole psyche sends out a beckon making them ache for their return. The further they are away from you, you somehow become less away from them. Of course, you WANT to be with them as you cannot wait to tell them of your victories, and defeats; or to hear about theirs; but you do not NEED to be near them. Freedom begets strength and courage and all the joys associated with them.

The other part of Freedom is in what you GIVE. True Love allows you to give yourself freely, completely, totally to the other, to the relationship. Every fiber in your body, your heart, your soul, your mind is given over to the relationship. You do not loose your ego, but instead create an entity that gives you power and self confidence. This is the Freedom in what you GET. There is NO fear of being hurt, or disappointed, but because the Love is in the giving. If the other person does not accept the gift, the gift is still there. It has not diminished, nor lessened in its value or beauty. If the other person cannot accept it, then you still have the gift to give and it just may to be given to another. Still, to have another Love you completely, deeply, honestly, freely, totally is Life’s Greatest Joy. You cannot make another Love you, but when you Love, remember it is always about setting the other Free. This Freedom in turn will be given back to you when you are loved back.

Anything that tries to mitigate that Freedom, to superimpose an unwilling or unnatural binding, to restrict your inner child, your growth, your needs is not Love but possession. So when your partner starts to curtail your actions, or wants you to move in too soon, or takes you away from your friends, or routines, or likes, or asks to marry you too soon, etc.; these are some of the warning signs of possession. The need to possess comes for a sense of insecurity (I will talk about this in a subsequent post). This insecurity can come from many places, but it an acid that will eat away at the relationship as surely as the sun rises. At first it may look like kindness , or want, or love, but it is NOT. It is control. It is a neediness that cannot return true Love, but instead takes. True Love Gives, it does not hold.

When true Love is involved, there is no jealousy or envy. You are actually proud that your partner is independent, accomplished, confident and desired or wanted by the opposite sex. I am not saying they want to be with other people, actually no, they ONLY want to be connected with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When you Love truly, you actually only see that other person and they only see you. That every other person in the world has become something different (not less, but just different). If this binding is not mutual or natural, then you have something less or different than Love, and you should move away from it as soon as possible. Love is about Freedom, not possession. As the saying goes, if you Love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be, if not, then let them go. It will save you time, effort and plenty of heartache.

What is Love?

Boy do I get this question a lot! While there are tomes on this subject, in my upcoming posts I would like to list some things I believe embody what Love Is and Is Not in a series of blogs that will follow in the coming weeks. Some of these might be a little controversial, but in my 20 years of helping people, I have come to find them as true. Hopefully, these insights will help you on your way to the perfect Love you deserve in your life. These posts will really be the summation of my last three blogs (Need v. Want, Love and Dark Matter, and Fear is A Mind Killer), and over the period of the next few weeks I will be writing my opinions on Love and its incredible effects on all of us.

But what is so important about Love anyway? If Love is a constant uphill climb, with no top, why endure the struggle, the danger, the heartbreak, the disappointment? My answer is the same as a real mountain climber would give, “because it is there.” The Life and Love you deserve are ahead of you and either you test yourself in its challenges and rewards, or you stay huddled in the valley of a dreamless day to day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusionary sense of security and safety. Unfortunately, most people fear the adventure of finding true, deep, passionate Love. They fear going into the unknown and the unexplored. Paradoxically, they give up the dream of what may lie ahead on the heights of tomorrow for a perpetual nightmare of endless days and nights fearing the loss of a tenuous and unattainable feeling of security.

What I want to be able to do for all is give you the knowledge and help you develop your own skills in recognizing and achieving that most satisfying of all feelings: Unconditional, Honest, Complete, True Love. Yes, each of us has it in us to get there, and over the next few weeks I will outline what I feel you will need to know to get there and what things you should avoid that can sabotage your quest. Being In Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, but it lasts only for a brief period. Mastering LOVE is what life is all about, and hopefully I will be able adequately convey this knowledge to you in an abbreviated form with these posts.

In addition to the esoteric and cosmic aspects of Love, look for some additional posts concerning the more scientific facets of love. Essentially what is going on chemically and with our primordial brain when we fall in love. This more “technical” post to follow will be titled: “Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?” My next blog concerning Love’s Mastery will be: “Love is about Freedom, not Possession.”

Until my next post, Excelsior!
Joan