This is a tough one for most people to understand. Love is about Freedom. When you love a person, you cannot bind them to your Love. You can only bind yourself to them. Actually, when you truly LOVE another person, you are constantly challenging them to grow and strengthen. The only way they can do this is separate form yourself! Yes, away from you! But the GREAT thing about love and separation is as de la Rouchefoucauld says, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”
Remember in my earlier post I spoke about the Chemicals involved in falling in Love? (see Is Love just a Chemical Addiction?) Well, this is where those chemicals are now fighting against a higher, truer more permanent and lasting love. Oh boy, this is where all the problems I see in my practice come in and where the Masters of Love separate themselves from the Slaves to Love. Where couples who are happy and fulfilled in their relationships separate themselves from those who are not. The ability to see past this “primordial” chemical fix is what can get us to the Love we Deserve. This is going to be the single hardest thing for most people to do: Let Go! Give Freedom! The addictive properties of the drugs coursing through our bodies want to make you hold onto the initial feelings of euphoria and pleasure, but believe me they are transitory at best.
Holding on to them and subsequently the person who initially triggered them will not result in the long term joy, security, and passion you really want. They will give you Lust but not Love! And lust is ephemeral and unsustainable; it is as transitory as a summer storm. You will be going from one failed relationship to another trying to maintain or regain that “fix.” If you just want Lust then fine, but if you want to discover the joys of true soul shaking love then let go and become a master.
Real Love, Deep Love, does not need to hold on. In actuality, the MORE freedom you give the other person you love and who truly loves you, the MORE Love you get. Being away from the other person who vibrates at the same frequency as you, your other true half, is so disturbing that the whole time you are away you whole psyche sends out a beckon making them ache for their return. The further they are away from you, you somehow become less away from them. Of course, you WANT to be with them as you cannot wait to tell them of your victories, and defeats; or to hear about theirs; but you do not NEED to be near them. Freedom begets strength and courage and all the joys associated with them.
The other part of Freedom is in what you GIVE. True Love allows you to give yourself freely, completely, totally to the other, to the relationship. Every fiber in your body, your heart, your soul, your mind is given over to the relationship. You do not loose your ego, but instead create an entity that gives you power and self confidence. This is the Freedom in what you GET. There is NO fear of being hurt, or disappointed, but because the Love is in the giving. If the other person does not accept the gift, the gift is still there. It has not diminished, nor lessened in its value or beauty. If the other person cannot accept it, then you still have the gift to give and it just may to be given to another. Still, to have another Love you completely, deeply, honestly, freely, totally is Life’s Greatest Joy. You cannot make another Love you, but when you Love, remember it is always about setting the other Free. This Freedom in turn will be given back to you when you are loved back.
Anything that tries to mitigate that Freedom, to superimpose an unwilling or unnatural binding, to restrict your inner child, your growth, your needs is not Love but possession. So when your partner starts to curtail your actions, or wants you to move in too soon, or takes you away from your friends, or routines, or likes, or asks to marry you too soon, etc.; these are some of the warning signs of possession. The need to possess comes for a sense of insecurity (I will talk about this in a subsequent post). This insecurity can come from many places, but it an acid that will eat away at the relationship as surely as the sun rises. At first it may look like kindness , or want, or love, but it is NOT. It is control. It is a neediness that cannot return true Love, but instead takes. True Love Gives, it does not hold.
When true Love is involved, there is no jealousy or envy. You are actually proud that your partner is independent, accomplished, confident and desired or wanted by the opposite sex. I am not saying they want to be with other people, actually no, they ONLY want to be connected with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When you Love truly, you actually only see that other person and they only see you. That every other person in the world has become something different (not less, but just different). If this binding is not mutual or natural, then you have something less or different than Love, and you should move away from it as soon as possible. Love is about Freedom, not possession. As the saying goes, if you Love someone set them free, if they return it was meant to be, if not, then let them go. It will save you time, effort and plenty of heartache.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
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28 comments:
I was just searching the web about Love and Freedom and came across your web blog. I have two questions? Do your really love this way, about the Freedom? My second question is in two parts: Do you have a boyfriend or husband and if so, does he love YOU this way? If so, does he have a brother?
This is really beautiful stuff! I have dated dozens of guys and have been married twice, and no where in my relationships have anything even close to this happened! Maybe I was not going about it the right way with the freedom and all, but none of the men in my life where about helping me! They really just wanted to own me, or control me, or in some way indicate that I was "their" property. Maybe I was a little bit that way with them as well. I will try out this little piece of advice with the man I am presently with. I was so astounded that I almost called you right away to see if this was really true? If you have a man in your life that can come close to loving you this way, you are VERY lucky indeed!
While this is a beautiful and heartfelt sentiment, I do not believe there are any men out there that can love without possession! This is just what guys are all about. Yes, I believe I can love a man this way, but ask a man to love a woman this way is virtually impossible! Guys want ONE thing, and one thing only, even if they say differently. I my experience, I have never met or even heard of a guy who can give a woman this kind of freedom. Maybe I am wrong, and there are a FEW men who are capable of this type of love, and I am sure they are all already taken! If I follow your advice, I would not be in ANY relationships at all! Maybe that might not be a bad thing, as the past 4 or 5 have ended pretty much with a lot of heartache, just as you said.
So, where are these guys and how can I find one?
My Dearest:
I enjoy your readings. Please forgive me if I sound pessimistic. I come from a family of 11 children, and my parents have been married over 58 years. Your Psychic reference is unique. I love your imagination. As I make my analysis of your explanation of love...it seems to speak about failed relationships, and then mends the best way you can by using sayings, and attaching parables to your explanation of love. Another way to understand love is time, and devotion. Freedom perhaps is to strong of a word to use, perhaps the best word is space. Because love does need space, but remember, to much space is absence of love and takes long to mend. Freedom is to broad of a word that adds difficulty to understanding another for letting go. You see, possession is part of love. When you possess something, it is yours. You share it with friends and the one you love, and in return gain the possessions of the person that loved you in return, herself, her friends or what ever she wants to share that she possesses. Love is sharing the things that are virtually yours, and letting go of other possessions too, even friends!
Holding own to old possessions/theories is not totally bad, it comes in handy every once in a while. But if used improperly, it could harm the way we think. Space comes with responsibility. Basically, love is blind...we see the hurt that it is doing us, we don't care because we love that person, but that person does not return your love. The love that you possess for that person is virtue, true love. Some just simple take advantage of it with abuse for there own demise/selfish needs...for freedom.
I too need to talk about love. It helps! But I don't need freedom to do the things that I want, just love....Just Love.
With Love,
Oliver
I guess this puts it into perspective as to why true love is so elusive? It really takes a great deal of internal fortitude to be able to love someone so very much to let them go! I wonder if you did a survey to how many people actually could do that?
Joan, I cannot you posted this blog! I have always felt in my heart that this is the correct way to love, but over the past 7 years, I have been in a relationship where I love this way, but my man cannot! I have read a some of your other posts, and feel it is time for me to move on sadly. I just have to know if you really feel that a man can love this way, or are we just fooling ourselves? What about you? Do you have someone in your life that can love you this way? I am guessing you do or you would have not written this? Please, please, please let me know: Are you just making this stuff up, or is it for real? Has anyone experienced this or are you just theorizing? I am sorry if I sound jaded, but I want to believe,but have seen no proof to the contrary.
Dear Elizabeth:
Yes, I do have a man in my life who loves me in this way. However, it took some time for him to get there (IE I made him chase me a lot)
Love,
Joan
Thank you Joan for the reply! I cannot believe you have a man who can love you like that! I am assuming you love him the same as you wrote such a beautiful post? (You did not say so in your reply). I have read some of your other posts, but this one really struck a cord. I cannot explain it. It is almost magical if not unbelievable! If this is really true, you have given me some hope to keep trying. I will start following your posts, and may even call to get some advice. Yes, I know my name sounds famous, but I am not! God I AM SO JEALOUS if you have really found a man like that! What is it like, to have someone who REALLY loves you and how did you find him? Any hints?
Thank you Elizabeth for your follow up inquiry. Yes, I do love this man very much as I have come to discover that he is indeed a Master of Love. And yes he is REAL. We have taken it very slowly, becoming fast friends in the process. In my previous post about Love and Dark Matter, I talked about sending out vibrations that resonate at your particular frequency. I do not know if was because he was going through a divorce from his wife of 20+ years, and my particular needs, but we happen to meet each other and almost instantly connected. At the time there was NO romantic intentions on either one of our parts, as he wanted to return to his wife, and I was dating another gentlemen. But as time went by, something happened. He fell quite heavily in love with me, while I just recently began to realize that my past romantic situation was lacking the ingredients necessary for true long term happy relationship. I also realized that was falling in love with him. In some ways, his knowledge of love and its properties are actually superior to my own, but through it all, he has become a true and loyal friend and confident. I am actually a little nervous because even I find it hard to believe that such a man exists, and that he has so thoroughly been smitten by me. When ever anyone comes out of a relationship, there is some processing to do (no matter how good or bad the relationship was).
In another previous post, I talk about Need v. Want. When you follow your needs first, you tend to have any relationship fail, but determining your Wants first, increases the chance for success a thousand fold. Both he and I separately determined our needs and came to find out that we are what each other WANTS.
Since we are both "cheetahs" I can see ourselves together 30 to 40 years from now, and still as in love as we are now heading. It is an amazing thing when you discover it. It has become such a fulfilling relationship that at times I have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming!
Love,
Joan
This may be one of the most beautiful and amazing posts I have ever read concerning "true love." One other thing that you might have forgotten to mention is how guys will often says things to get you to do something for them (usually have sex), which the really do not mean. In essence, they are controlling your by manipulating your feelings. I have been able to tell more readily when this starts, and can head if off! I will be sure to reference this post often! Joan you are really a genius and totally tuned into what love is all about.
Just read Janet's comment in addition to your blog! So true! A lot of guys I dated used to just tell me things to get me to give it up! I am lucky now that I have met a man who has mastered love and gives me the freedom I need. What is so weird about it is that the more freedom he gives me, the MORE I WANT to be with him! Yes, there ARE guys out there that know how to reciprocate love. I am really enjoying these posts!
OMG, I just read your last post about Love is Not Security and now this! You are a brilliant woman, and should be writing a book. How did you come up with these concepts? It is so beautiful yet so simple to understand. Yes, in my heart, I have always known that true, deep love is about giving to get. I only hope there is someone out there for me who feels the same way?
Yes, yes, yes. It is all about freedom! I wish I could tell ever guy I know that if you love me and I love you we should be more free! Thanks Joan for this blog post. I will be sure to reference it to all my friends who are going through unexpected upset. Hopefully, this will help? Do you have a service on line?
I was told by friend to read these posts about love, and after reading all of them, this one seemed the best place to leave my comments. First, I cannot believe what a beautiful person you are! You can encapsulated the essense of love and its attributes so succinctly and eloquently as to be sublime. Second, if you really believe in this, I hope you are in a relationship with a man who feels the same way? Lastly, I too have to share my opinion that somewhere down the road you NEED TO WRITE a self help book on love. I do not know what you next posts will be, but am looking forward to reading them! I am presently "looking" for someone who can understand where I am coming from, and now I have a series of references that I can show him so he too can understand. Bless you Joan!
Yes, yes, yes. I was just telling my boyfriend about this, but could not put my finger on it exactly! This is such a beautiful piece of writing! Thank you for the insight. You are so perceptive and wise in your views.
OK, I am a guy, and I find this sort of mushy stuff useless until I just lost my last girlfriend. It all aspects she was perfect! Smart, attractive, intelligent, witty, great in bed, passionate, etc., and I thought we were TOTALLY compatible until she told me that I was suffocating her! What the F*$#! She said that I was not letting her be herself. I had taken her away from her friends, her family, and career! She tried to tell me by giving her her freedom she would actually want me more! Well, being the stupid guy I am I did not believe her and wanted to be with her more. I actually became MORE possessive, and jealous, and we started arguing more and more until finally she had enough (and so did I) and we split up! It took me a while to admit it (and I usually do NOT post to blogs), but she was right. I did not let her grow, and if this blog post is correct, I could have still had her in my life if I did. What a sorry sot I am! Now I miss her more than ever, but know I am really to blame and can never go back. I only hope in my next relationship that I have enough courage to let go a little, but being a guy it may just be too hard to do? Wish I had read this before, and will try to put it to good use next time.
"True Love Gives, it does not hold!" Really? You wrote this? Do you really believe this? I mean can anyone except for a few miserable souls searching for true love in a sea of misfits and miscreants? I happen to be one of those people who believe that real love is about freedom and giving, not necessarily in the getting. I like the part about binding yourself to another. Yes, I can bind myself to a man, but I cannot force him to bind to me in the way I need to be bound.
It seems as if guys want girls to love the totally, but they in turn do NOT want to return the favor. They see freedom as not being emotionally available, or just doing whatever it is they want to do when they want to do it. Too many guys say things just to get you in the sack, then say the absolute opposite to get away from you! NOTE to self: Are there any guys out there who feel this way? That really know how to love a woman the way a woman NEEDS to be loved? NO, it is NOT about sex dummies, it is about bonding and compatibility, and companionship.
Joan, sorry to be ranting (or sounding like some sort of shrew, but I'm not), but I have been hurt so many times by guys pretending to love you, just to turn out to be complete imbeciles. Do you have a book like: "The 7 warning signs of a guys to avoid?"
What is it about men that they just do not get it? Are the stupid, or lazy, or just do not care? I am sorry, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, and it really hurts because I should have broken up with him 4 years ago! I feel so stupid, hoping he would one day figure out what I wanted and be able to give it to me! I gave him all he needed, but it was not enough. He was so immature and selfish, and hurtful,and controlling. I guess I should be grateful that I'm free of him, but I am just dreading being alone and going through this crap all over again.
Joan, where is your guide? What is your secret? Do you have a guy that understands you? Fuck, I am just so angry at myself I can barely stand it. Your writing is beautiful by the way, and it really has helped me calm down a bit, but it still hurts when I think what a fool I have been.
Still, if there are guys out there that think like this, maybe there is hope. You should start a school for scoundrels that helps guys realize HOW to LOVE a woman!
Anyway, I write this through bitter tears and sorry for wasting your time.
Susan
Dear Susan,
If you read this post again, your idea for a School for scoundrels is excellent! Here is my HUG for you! Hope it finds you in better spirits. Love Joan. You can always email directly if you wish at joan@psychicwindow.com.
This might be the most beautiful thing I have read about love in a long time! Yes, this IS what true love is all about. I have read your other previous or subsequent posts, but this one stands out as so profoundly authentic and genuine that I felt compelled to comment on it!
Yes, I BELIEVE that true love is ALL about freedom and being free to be who you truly are. it is about power and growth and binding yourself to another unconditionally. Unfortunately, so few people really understand this.
Please, please tell me you have found someone whom believes like you do to be in love with? I have just started dating again after a very, very stressful relationship with a very possessive and controlling man, and I started thinking that I would never find a person whom I could be free to me with, and then I found your blog!
What a surprise! Can this be kismet? Can there be a hope that someone somewhere else feels as I do about love? Yes! You have giving me something that was taken away - hope. Hope that at least one person somewhere is practicing love in the way it should be, that she has a lover who adores, cherishes, and respects her; that you have found you perfect other half. Sorry if I am waving poetic, but to me, there is no other subject worth discussing other that being with your blended half; that which makes you whole.
Again, thank you for the posts. I will begin to follow them regularly.
From my heart,
Diana
Joan, thank you for the HUG and reply. I will be sure to send you a direct email later on! Keep up these great posts. I am learning so much about love, I cannot believe it.
I was reading some of your other posts on your blog and then came to this one. Do you really feel this way? If so, you are so RIGHT. Love is about freedom! This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read on the subject. I was lucky enough to have a man in my life who loved me completely, without possession and I loved him the same. I cannot tell you what type of freedom I felt. God it was wonderful, but fate took him away from me, and I have yet to find another who can love in the same way, but I am not giving up. If you have a man in your life (oh you must to be able to write this), then you KNOW what I am talking about. With this freedom comes power and confidence. It is like nothing else I have ever experienced. I was never jealous, or angry or hurt or anything negative. It was like nothing I had never nor have ever experienced! It still hurts that he is gone for I know he loved me completely and fully. I write this with tears in my eyes to tell others that yes, you can be free and be in love. That is really the only true way to be. Thank you Joan for this blog. It really made me feel better to know someone else out there feels like I do and has had the same experience.
May God love you and keep you well!
Do you really feel this way? If you do, I cannot believe you have a man in your life who feels this way? Yes, I believe that love is about freedom, but cannot fathom a man being able to comprehend this fact! Women do not want to be owned. Adored, idolized, worshiped, yes, but held captive, no!
Again, I have to ask, do you have a man in your life that gives you the freedom to be and do what is best for you? I doubt it!
Sorry for sounding so bitter, just have a hard time believing that any man can comprehend this blog.
This post is just beautiful and powerful at the same time! Powerful in that it really tells the story of what true love is all about. Lift up, letting go, and giving out. Not in the getting. God, I wish I could find someone who believes like you od? Have you? I believe that love is all about freedom. That you cannot control or dictate what your partner should or should not do. Yes, you might have disagreements, but they become agreements when you first approach love from the other persons needs and wants and desires. It is a building process nor a possession process. I will come back if you let me go...
Sad, most guys do not have a clue?
Wow, this is just so very powerful! I cannot believe you wrote this! Yes, love is about freedom, so why can't my ex-boyfriend understand that!!!! I love your example of a Cheetah. Will have to remember that in my next relationship! Can you write an training manual please??? It still sucks that guys do not get it, and I hope I find someone who understands this!
I wish you had more details about this!!! I cannot tell you how many relationships I have been in where in the beginning it seemed like I was free to be me, but little by little the guys just started making me feel more and more like property. It was always about them and their needs, and never about me. I have yet to meet a guy who actually wanted ME to be successful and free. I wonder if there even is one out there?
You talk about true love like you have experienced it? Have you really? If you have ever met a guy that really wants to help you, and has the ability to set you free, you better do everything in your power to keep him with you, because believe you sweetie, they are a scarce breed of animal!
Anyway, I like this posting although I think it is more fantasy than reality, but if at least one person has experience it, then more than one can.
Yes, this has worked for me and yes, I have someone in my life who loves like this as well. It really makes life much easier to give one another the trust and space to grow. It makes the quality time much more enjoyable as we find that giving and caring is much more rewarding than trying to control someone other than yourself:)
Wow, that is incredible! Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I so wish I had someone in my life to be "thankful" for! God, I am so envious of you! BTW, does he have a brother????
So, I guess what you are saying is that there is hope?
Joan, I write this note to you for two reasons. The first is that I am in love, and the second is that I have you to thank for it! I am responding to this post (although I have read all of them) because this was the first one my boyfriend had me read.
I guess I have to go back to the beginning. I met Marcus (my boyfriend) around 6 months ago in April. At first I really was not interested in dating as I had being in a lot a really bad relationships and was just getting over one, well, which ended badly. Needless to say, the relationship with Marcus started slowly, but we started to get closer and closer. He was absolutely wonderful and that is when I started to act crazy. I mean, I thought there was something he was going to do to me that would cause us to break up and get into an argument. I started blaming him for every little thing that went wrong in my life and honestly, I was actually a little scared of him then he told me something that REALLY shocked me.
He told me all that he wanted was for me to be happy, and if it meant leaving me alone, he would. He also suggested that I read this blog (he is really deep into this sort of stuff). Anyway, after I read this post my eyes were opened! I had been so confused about how he was acting. He was so nice and caring and he always encouraging me to be the best I could be, but I still felt uneasy. Sort of like I was being manipulated. Then he told me what he wanted, that he loved me completely and goodbye.
I was in shock! How can you love someone and tell them goodbye. WTF!!! I was so angry, upset, pissed! I hated him for what he was doing to me and of course blamed him for the breakup. Anyway, I started reading more about you posts and started to understand how he felt and what was wrong with me! Slowing, I started to see that this guy really did love me, that he wanted me to love him, and that I could love! Of course, I got some professional help, which really did not help much, but then I started seeing that Marcus was everything I wanted in a man. Because he was willing to let me go, I was able to see him for the truly loving man that he is!
I am a little scared about posting this because Marcus might see it, but then again I think he would like what I have to say. I have grown so much, and yes, I can let him go too! I see there is a lot of work to do, but I never would have gotten to where I am without reading this blog. Thank you Joan for your wisdom. I have found a person who truly love, and I almost blew it!
If I can give any advice to anyone who reads this, please, please, try to follow these words. It really words (OK it worked with me)! I am so happy and thankful for the gift you gave me and since it is Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to post it now.
Thank you Joan for sharing your knowledge with a poor pitiful soul!
With love,
Martha
Dear Joan,
Hi, this is Marcus, Martha's boyfriend in Portland, and I just wanted to say that thank you for the help you have given Martha and myself. A good friend of mine told me about your blog, and after reading it many times, I told Martha about it.
It is funny, of course I am NO expert in this field, but in many ways, I do feel and practice many of the things you address, especially about Love and Freedom.
Anyway, after a long separation (where Martha could digest what was going on), I think she was able to see how much I loved her, and that I was NOT trying to control her, but to set her free.
Yes, I am also in love with Martha and I do not think she would have been able to reach a level of parity (as you say in other one of your posts) unless she had read this one and essentially all your posts. BTW, are you planning on writing any more posts or a book of some kind?
BTW, Martha, I do so love you and it is so beautiful what you put down.
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