(This in the continuation of the "What is Love?" post series)
Let me repeat. Love does NOT give you security. In actuality, to love and accept love you must first be secure in yourself. I know what I just said is going to be very controversial, but in order to truly be in LOVE and to be able to give LOVE fully, completely, to be that master of Love, you first have to be secure in yourself. Essentially, you have to be able to Love yourself. Yes, I know it sounds cliché, but it really, really, really is true. I see so many relationships where one of the individuals “thinks” they are in love, or understand the intricacies of Love, but it really is just lust or want because they do not understand themselves and their needs and wants. They have not taken the time to see where they are lacking in the ability to love, and they do not possess the security to be able to love themselves.
While your significant other may appear to be secure in their life and person, they may demonstrate some latent and obvious signs of insecurity prior to you ever getting together. Some of the signs of insecurity include: Wanting to Sleep together too soon; Wanting to move in together; Looking (checking out) at other people of the opposite sex excessively; a long string of serial relationships (going from one “fix” to another); manipulating your schedule so as to spend all your spare time with them; excluding your friends; and the inability to be flexible. Real security allows you to give your partner the freedom (see Love is about Freedom, not Possession post) they need.
Of course, the opposite of insecurity is confidence. Confidence is something that does not come with looks, money, power, etc.. It is also NOT about ego, but about the quiet knowledge that you are capable of achieving any goal or getting out of any bad situation you might happen to be in. Confidence comes with the security of truly knowing yourself and in the knowledge that everyday you strive to make yourself as good a person you possible can be.
I am not saying that when two people REALLY Love each other they are not secure in their Love, they are, because they are first secure in themselves. Security in the relationship comes for the security in each individual in the bond. Lao Tzu once stated "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." The duality of security, It is the ying and yang of Love. In actuality, Strength and Courage are two essential ingredients in creating the life of love you deserve. These two ingredients are essential to any relationship involving love. To possess strength and courage is to have confidence and from that confidence you must be secure in yourself and in your abilities. So, how do you go about developing this security in your ability to Love and to Love yourself? I will explain in my subsequent posts.
Here is to getting to love yourself!
Joan
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
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6 comments:
Joan, I never would have thought of love this way! I thought love made you secure,not the other way around? I guess I now understand why I have had so many failed relationships? My partner was usually so insecure that it damaged anything positive about what we were doing.
After reading this posting I now have a different understanding of what Love is all about. Yes, I was looking for safety and security with the guys I was in relationship, and now find that most of the time it was my insecurity that caused a lot of the problems. Now I need help getting more secure, but this blog helps!
Love, Sharon
I just read your last two posts about love and I write this comment with tears in my eyes. Yes, I just ended a relationship with a guy who I thought was perfect, but then it started to turn into an idiot. OK, OK, maybe it was the chemical thing your wrote about, but still I thought there was more to it than just sex and lust. I thought we were friends first, and then lovers.
But can a lover be your best friend too? It seems like it is mutually exclusive. As soon as you have sex with a guy they seem to change, become possessive, critical, and demand ownership. Joan, if you are in a relationship, is your lover your best friend or even a good friend? Does he let you grow or is he trying to keep you down in subtle ways like not letting do things you like to do or need to do; or be able to go out with friends, or try to manipulate all your time and energy into what he is doing?
I am so disheartened. I really, really, really want someone who is passionate about me and wants me but at the same time can let me go and be that "cheetah" you speak of. What is it about guys?
After the first couple of months the sex is not that great anymore (the passion is gone), and then they start to become critical of every little thing you do! What is with that? Is it just because they are so insecure or needy or not as confident as the "appear" to be? How can you tell in ADVANCE if they are this way?
I am a passionate, physical, loving person and miss having someone share my heart, body,and bed with, but I would rather be alone than with a person who is trying to cage me or make me into something I am not. Your blogs help (really) and now I am more confident in my decision to leave the jerk. I am NOT A PIECE OF MEAT! And do not expect to be treated so.
Anyway, what is your secret? How did you find a guy who "resonates" like you if you ever have? I am not jaded or bitter, just disheartened. I know there is someone out there for me, I just wish I did not have to go through so many idiots to get to him. Know of any shortcuts?
Thanks for letting me spill my guts out to you. I used my google account so hopfully you can reply back to me if you have a chance? I did not leave my email address as I do not want a bunch of guys spamming me, but if I do not hear from you, I will email you directly from your blog address.
Blessings to you and yours,
Karen
I could not agree with you more! Your words and wisdom are so touching and true!
So many of the women I date are looking for securing in the relationship instead of bring security to the relationship. When they do that, they become clinging, whining, little girls are really not very sexy at all.
I guess I just need to do a better job of determining that before I start dating?
Sadly, this is so true. I wish I had read this before my present relationship began. I am so much the wiser realizing that you do not have security from a relationship, but must first be secure in order to make a lasting one.
Bless you Joan for your great and thoughtful words.
Joan, how correct you are! You have to be secure in yourself before ever have a chance of making a relationship work! Unfortunately, I have seen so many people who are looking for security in a relationship and what they usually do is drive a wedge between themselves and someone who can love them. Sad but true!
Hopefully, some will heed your advice!
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